Bank of England doesn’t know how to raise interest rates

THE governor of the Bank of England has admitted they could not raise interest rates even if they wanted to.

Mark Carney said everyone who knew how the interest rate machine works has been made redundant and they have lost the instructions.

He continued: “There’s this massive old-fashioned brass computer with all kinds of dials and switches, and the last time we tried to get it going Eddie George lost three fingers.

“All we’ve got to go on are some handwritten notes saying stuff like ‘Charge inflation tanks before relaxing fiscal bladder IMPORTANT’ and ‘Ensure full liquidity in bond valves with right-angled dipstick’.”

Technicians actually thought they had got the machine working a few months ago, but it turned out they had merely reactivated the Exchange Rate Mechanism which had been disused since the mid-90s.

Carney said an attempt to build a new electronic interest rate machine was abandoned after the IT contractors, ‘just took the money and fucked off’.