Plumber just has to go and get something

PLUMBER Roy Hobbs just has to nip off and get a part, it has emerged.

32-year-old Hobbs, who is in the middle of fixing a boiler, fully expects the householder to continue paying his hourly rate while he fetches the unspecified component.

Hobbs said: “I shouldn’t be a minute, as long as they’ve got it in stock. Otherwise I might need to go to the other place, which is a bit further away.”

He denied allegations of previously using a similar ruse to park around the corner and sit in his van reading the paper for 70 minutes.

“That was obviously one of those dodgy plumbers. He’d even put my name on his van to conceal his identity.

“You have to be careful, some of these people really take the piss.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No, I don’t think the uncanny ability to choose a bus that will change drivers en-route is a superpower, actually.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The worst aspect of this Gary Barlow business is it’s stopped you preferring any other human being on earth to Robbie Williams.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You like Willem Dafoe. He’s brillent.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The halal meat controversy hasn’t affected you as you only eat meat that has found peace with its personal god and has died surrounded by loving family members at a ripe old age.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Save money on buying a Tom Waits album by asking a tramp what he thinks about his ex-wife while kicking an accordion around.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve used all the European election campaign leaflets that have been delivered to create a collage in your front window that says ‘Piss Off’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Preparing yourself for having the birds and the bees talk with your kids you realise it’s been so long you’re not entirely sure how it’s done.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve not seen the leaked photos of Ben Affleck as Batman, mainly because you’re an adult.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You scratch my back and I’ll scra-Jesus, what’s that brown lumpy thing with hairs growing out of it?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You hate it when somebody uses your mug at work. Especially when you’ve just filled it with gin.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
We tried delivering your horoscope but you were out. We have left it with a fox.