THE multi-billion pound collapse of the Royal Bank of Scotland can finally be blamed on a woman.
As it emerged that former RBS chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin had an affair with a senior colleague, experts said his judgement would have obviously been impaired by her seductive allure and dirty promises.
Across Britain there was relief that the RBS disaster, which destroyed the nation’s finances and left thousands unemployed, was entirely and comprehensively the fault of an irresistible she-devil with eyes like fire and a voice like chocolate milk.
Julian Cook, professor of saucy bewitchment at Reading University, said: “Sir Fred is completely exonerated. He is yet another innocent victim of the low cut dress and the shimmering thigh.
“I will eat my hat if this woman has ever worn a pair of underpants in her entire life.”
Martin Bishop, chairman of I’m Just a Man, a support group for middle-aged adulterers, said: “Here we have a wonderfully talented banker with impeccable judgement being brought down by wanton skankery.
“I cannot tell you how many businesses have collapsed because of dirty, large-breasted secretaries with their cheeky little laughs that seem to say ‘oh Mr Bishop, do it to me in a cupboard’.
“Bishop and Co was a thriving insurance brokers until Sandra came along with her lacy bras and her astonishing mouth.”
He added: “But, of course, it does take two to create an adulterous affair, so we must not forget the role played by Sir Fred’s wife.
“I have no doubt he only fell into the clutches of this sorceress because she was willing to do the sort of moist and/or bendy things that Mrs Goodwin felt were beneath her.
“We are all paying the price for Mrs Goodwin’s prudish self-regard. When will wives learn?”
Stephen Malley, senior banking analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “When I saw RBS going on a hell-for-leather acquisition spree that culminated in the insanely overpriced buy-out of ABN Amro, I thought ‘this is about some bird’.”