THE billionaire Barclay twins are to move their private island from the Channel Islands to the Maldives due to a combination of being in a huff and tax reasons.
Sir David and Sir Frederick secretly moved the SS Brecqhou, their gigantic island-shaped boat, to the English Channel in 1993 and then paid to have all the maps changed so everyone would think it was a real place.
Their latest move comes after the inhabitants of nearby Sark rejected the twins' plan to hollow out the centre of the island, in favour of capturing a virgin policeman and burning him to death inside a giant wicker cage.
A spokesman said: "They considered the Blofeld option of just killing everyone, but instead decided to lift anchor and steam for the Maldives."
He added: "Once there they intend to negotiate with the local population by poisoning them and then showing them the antidote."
According to their official biographer the brothers were mysteriously born on the same day in 1934. They made their fortune in the 1960s by kidnapping children and turning them into soap and garden ornaments.
They eventually settled in the Channel Islands attracted by its temperate climate, beneficial corporate tax regime and the breeding capabilities of its chunky women.
For the last 15 years the Barclays have mated local teenage girls with pigs and wolves to create a new type of pepper salami, exclusively for Waitrose.