Big-hearted rail companies not going to burn down your house

IN an act of unprecedented generosity, Britain’s train companies have confirmed they will never set fire to your house.

After kindly agreeing not to totally dick passengers on unnecessarily costly tickets, rail firms confirmed that they will also not destroy your home or smear fox shit on your best coat.

Rail boss Wayne Hayes said: “There’s so much horrible stuff we could do to you, the public, if we didn’t care deeply about your welfare.

“I personally could break into your house tonight and crush corn flakes into all the carpets, then leave a dead goat in your loft that you wouldn’t notice unless it went rancid.

“I am not going to do that though, and you don’t even have to thank me. Although you can if you like, and that might be appropriate given the power I wield.”

He said: “You may also notice you get a free magazine on our trains. I think it might be called ‘Train Break’. There’s usually an interview with Kate Winslet and a word search.

“You’re welcome.”

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Massive suitcase ideal for train

A MAN believes it was the right decision to take the largest suitcase he could find onto a crowded train.

Tom Booker was pleased with the performance of his Voyager Armor-Lok suitcase, which is the size of a bookcase and could probably withstand a direct hit from a tank.

Booker said: “It’s much too big to fit in the overhead rack, but that’s no problem because there’s just enough space for it to fit in the aisle.

“Usually I leave it partly blocking one of the doors, which is great for passing the time on journeys because you have to keep getting up to move it and generally arse around.

“It’s good for striking up conversations with other passengers too. A rather attractive woman kept saying flirtatious things like ‘Will you please fucking move that?’ I should have got her phone number.

“The best thing is knowing your belongings are safe. I expect people with rucksacks arrive at their destination and discover all their stuff has been crushed.

“Also if I got caught in a blizzard I could probably empty it and climb inside.”