Big-hearted rail companies not going to burn down your house

IN an act of unprecedented generosity, Britain’s train companies have confirmed they will never set fire to your house.

After kindly agreeing not to totally dick passengers on unnecessarily costly tickets, rail firms confirmed that they will also not destroy your home or smear fox shit on your best coat.

Rail boss Wayne Hayes said: “There’s so much horrible stuff we could do to you, the public, if we didn’t care deeply about your welfare.

“I personally could break into your house tonight and crush corn flakes into all the carpets, then leave a dead goat in your loft that you wouldn’t notice unless it went rancid.

“I am not going to do that though, and you don’t even have to thank me. Although you can if you like, and that might be appropriate given the power I wield.”

He said: “You may also notice you get a free magazine on our trains. I think it might be called ‘Train Break’. There’s usually an interview with Kate Winslet and a word search.

“You’re welcome.”