Sunday, 16th May 2021

Britain returns to pretending to work

BRITAIN'S workers have returned to staring purposefully at their screens for eight hours.

Productivity is expected to peak briefly at midday when managers finally arrive, mumbling something about traffic.

Office drone Nikki Hollis said: “I might walk around holding a folder to look busy, but then again I am very career orientated.

“I will also avoid going anywhere near the HR department, as they will probably remember that moment during the Christmas party when I called them ‘a bunch of fucking weirdos’.”

Hollis added: “I reckon by Friday I can face actually doing what I'm meant to be doing here. Or, at the very least, remembering what it is.”

Human resources consultant Martin Bishop said: “Most people now use smartphones to idly surf the web while they're supposed to be working, which means that at this time of year many office staff forget to turn on their computers.

“It only takes a moment and the rest of the day is yours.”