Britain returns to pretending to work

BRITAIN’S workers have returned to staring purposefully at their screens for eight hours.

Productivity is expected to peak briefly at midday when managers finally arrive, mumbling something about traffic.

Office drone Nikki Hollis said: “I might walk around holding a folder to look busy, but then again I am very career orientated.

“I will also avoid going anywhere near the HR department, as they will probably remember that moment during the Christmas party when I called them ‘a bunch of fucking weirdos’.”

Hollis added: “I reckon by Friday I can face actually doing what I’m meant to be doing here. Or, at the very least, remembering what it is.”

Human resources consultant Martin Bishop said: “Most people now use smartphones to idly surf the web while they’re supposed to be working, which means that at this time of year many office staff forget to turn on their computers.

“It only takes a moment and the rest of the day is yours.”

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A guide to the Trump presidency of 2019

DONALD Trump will begin 2019 as president of the United States of America. But will he finish the year that way, and will the USA survive? Find out: 


Trump and his bizarre family celebrate New Year’s Eve in their stylishly excessive way by shooting a sacred white buffalo in the 57th-storey piano room of Trump Tower.


Trump gives contentious posthumous pardon to John Wilkes Booth.


Trump gives press conference querying whether the internet is working because Kanye West has neither liked nor retweeted any of his tweets for months.


Arrested and charged with more than 177 offences, including the newly-coined crime of megatreason, a bewildered Trump asks how Hillary Clinton has got away with this.


Taking the stand for the first time, Trump offers to provide incriminating testimony against his colleagues, his family, his wife and his mentor, Vladimir Putin.


Anyone and everyone ever connected with Donald Trump, including Nigel Farage, Piers Morgan and Macauley Culkin, is arrested. ‘I am the only innocent man in America,’ Trump claims.


Forced to swear on a bible, Melania Trump dissolves into more than a thousand venomous snakes. Fox News admires their natural beauty and grace.


President Mike Pence announces the conversion of everyone in the United States, and Israel, to Christianity. Deposed next day when his torrid affair with Arlene Foster revealed.


Representing himself, Trump tells trial judge ‘You’re fired’. Is told ‘This is not The Apprentice.’ Says ‘You’re fired!’ again.


Trump pleads insanity. Judge rules it self-evident.


Found guilty on all charges, Trump sentenced to live in a magnetic cell orbiting the Earth.


Trump announces 2020 presidential run. Has strong support from rural white conservatives in the Midwest.