Bull's testicles tipped as next BBC Director General

A PAIR of balls has been tipped as the next BBC Director General.

Senior corporation executives believe it is time for a massive injection of testosterone into an otherwise ball-less environment.

A BBC source said: “We’ve found a magnificent pair of knackers the size of cantaloupes, dangling between the hind legs of a Jersey bull.

“They wouldn’t think twice about telling Murdoch to fuck off.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Terry wasn’t substituted, says Chelsea

JOHN Terry played a full 90 minutes against Liverpool on Sunday, according to Chelsea FC.

The charm-avoiding billionaire’s Subutteo set claim accusations that Terry was substituted in the first half against Liverpool are a campaign to smear him.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “John actually went on to complete his hat-trick in the second half, although you’d never know that looking at the biased coverage of the game.

“Several Chelsea players have given statements confirming that he completed the match in perfect health and actually did 100 push-ups in the centre circle in 15 seconds to celebrate our 6-1 win.”

The club dismissed reports that Terry injured his knee in a collision with fellow conversationalist Luis Suarez.

The spokesman said: “He doesn’t actually have knees, just a series of sinewy chambers full of age-defying fluids.

“Footage of him apparently receiving lengthy treatment on the pitch before being stretchered off has been misinterpreted. John was actually doing a fundraising personal appearance for St John’s Ambulance during a lull in the match.”

Chelsea confirmed that Terry will be missing from the squad for several weeks but say this is because of his forthcoming series of talks in Rwanda, Syria and Palestine promoting unity and brotherhood.