Candy Crush bought for $5.9 billion by seven-year-old on iPad

THE maker of Candy Crush Saga has been bought for $5.9 billion by a child whose parents forgot to disable in-app purchases.

Seven-year-old Tom Logan of Hereford bought King Digital Entertainment at the close of a six-hour playing session while his mother worked from home.

Mother Leanne Logan said: “He kept asking me things, like ‘What’s our Apple ID?’ or ‘Where do we keep the house deeds?’ or ‘Mum, what are your estimated future earnings until retirement or April 2035, whichever is sooner?’

“I just rattled off the answers because I was busy, then at 5pm I got a call from the Candy Bank telling me the purchase had been successful and could they talk to Tom about his plans for redundancies.

“Obviously I expect Apple to pay for the whole thing. Nobody could imagine this is my fault.”

Tom said: “Business is just like Candy Crush.

“You find businesses that match, bring them together to create a special stripy superbusiness that destroys the other businesses on the board, and then hit Sugar Crush mode where you’re endlessly rewarded for doing nothing.

“I don’t know why adults act like it’s so hard.”

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Friends suspect man may be lying about the North

SOUTHERN friends of a man from the North suspect he is lying about how gritty yet welcoming the region is, they have revealed.

Data inputter Tom Logan, now based in Croydon, depicts the North as a community-spirited utopia populated by unpretentious, friendly people who are also dead hard.

Co-worker Donna Sheridan said: “We were in a pub when some students started being a bit loud and annoying and Tom said, ‘If you did that up North you’d get a smack in the gob.’

“Is that true? Do Northerners instantly attack anyone who annoys them? If they’re constantly battering each other at the slightest provocation it’s not surprising all their factories shut down.

“He claims Northerners do kind things like taking a massive hotpot to their neighbours if they’re skint. But surely they might find this incredibly patronising?

“I’m starting to think Tom’s making this shit up. I went to Leeds recently and I definitely saw people drinking lager instead of bitter without calling each other ‘soft Northern poofs’.”

Logan said: “Everything I have said about the North is true, including my frequent trips to the Hacienda and my yearning for pie and chips, which are made to a superior recipe outside the South.

“There’s no way I’d make things up because I’m actually from a nice part of Cheshire and I desperately want some Northern hardman kudos.”