CHIMPANZEES are currently being trained up to take your job.
US legal confirmation of chimps’ ‘human rights’ means that it is no longer considered too dangerous to have them working in an office.
Company director Stephen Malley said: “Chimpanzees are intelligent, sensitive creatures that can do Excel and Powerpoint in exchange for protein.
“They tend to masturbate openly but that’s always been a problem in my sales team.”
Lead co-ordinator Mary Fisher said: “I was a bit shocked to find the new intern is a four-year-old male chimp called Pepper.
“My boss said to just sit there and let Pepper watch me, and not to make any sudden movements.
“We’ve already had four team members replaced by apes, and the new HR assistant is a horse. You soon get used to it though, it makes no real difference apart from the smell.”