Chimps being groomed for your job

CHIMPANZEES are currently being trained up to take your job.

US legal confirmation of chimps’ ‘human rights’ means that it is no longer considered too dangerous to have them working in an office.

Company director Stephen Malley said: “Chimpanzees are intelligent, sensitive creatures that can do Excel and Powerpoint in exchange for protein.

“They tend to masturbate openly but that’s always been a problem in my sales team.”

Lead co-ordinator Mary Fisher said: “I was a bit shocked to find the new intern is a four-year-old male chimp called Pepper.

“My boss said to just sit there and let Pepper watch me, and not to make any sudden movements.

“We’ve already had four team members replaced by apes, and the new HR assistant is a horse. You soon get used to it though, it makes no real difference apart from the smell.”

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Britain’s economy realises it’s just a load of bullshit

BRITAIN’S economy has slowed after it realised it was living in a fantasy world.

The latest GDP figures showed the economy is now coming to terms with the fact that its apparent health was based on the usual bullshit concoction of houses and unsustainable retail therapy.

Britain’s economy said: “I am just so full of crap. I wanted everyone to believe that I was strong, like an oak, but I’m actually just a cardboard cutout of an oak.

“I’m spending money I don’t have on things that will make me feel better about how poor I am.

“That’s not an economy. That’s tawdry self-delusion and I will have nothing more to do with it.”

But chancellor George Osborne said: ‘The British economy is absolutely fine. This is blatant attention seeking by an ungrateful bastard designed to fuck me up just when I had the world in my grasp.

“Repeat after me – Houses, cars and lovely things! Houses, cars and lovely things!”