Company wondering why it employed former minister

A COMPANY is starting to regret employing a former minister with no useful skills, it has admitted.

Ex-minister Tom Logan was recruited by multinational energy company GlobalGen several months ago, is paid a huge salary but has so far contributed nothing of value to the business.

Managing director Donna Sheridan said: “We thought an Oxbridge-educated high-flier like Tom would be a real asset, but mostly he just drinks coffee and says ‘Mmm’ a lot in meetings.

“I’d assumed he’d be really knowledgeable about global energy issues. However it turns out he spent all his time as a minister attending childish debates in the Commons and trying to shag young female press officers.

“We can’t even get him to do something useful like running our HR department, because his only job outside politics was a brief stint selling tie-dye t-shirts in Australia during his gap year.

“He’s not even any good at impressing clients over dinner, because his only anecdote is about meeting Jeremy Clarkson on Question Time and getting him to send him a free Top Gear baseball cap.”

However Logan remained convinced of his value to GlobalGen, citing a recent board meeting where he explained that the Middle East situation was highly volatile “because they’re all mental”.

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Jamie Oliver food box contains instructions on cooking, obeying authority and voting Tory

A NEW meal delivery service from Jamie Oliver also includes instructions on how to live a good, conformist life.

Subscribers to Oliver’s ‘FoodBox’ service receive a weekly box containing fresh ingredients, recipes and rules for how to be a productive member of a modern capitalist society.

Mother-of-two Susan Traherne said: “We love all of Jamie’s products so it was exciting when our first box turned up with a delicious blackened cod recipe and a leaflet containing advice on how to live correctly.

“Apparently your government is always right, each family must have at least two confident children of both genders and everyone needs to work harder for a strong economy.”

Jamie’s ‘FoodBox Life Leaflet’ also says: “David Cameron is your friend and the Tories are the party of aspirational, attractive families like yours. Accept their authority and vote for them when required.

“Work hard at your job without ever questioning its ethics. Amass money and property. Obey the police and military.

“When not travelling to work or organising an impressive barbecue with Jamie products, stay indoors.”

It adds: “Fathers must wear plaid shirts and have short, well-kept beards. Mothers must have shiny hair but not be overtly sexual.”