‘Contactless’ depriving shop staff of deliciously awkward PIN wait

RETAIL staff have complained that contactless payment means they no longer get to stare intensely at customers while their card goes through.

Nikki Hollis, who works in a garage, said: “The only good bit about this job was messing with people’s heads in that seemingly endless few seconds between PIN entry and PIN acceptance.

“They would look at me, I would look at them, they would look at the floor.

“Sometimes they would say something about the weather, which I would ignore. Then they start to shuffle uneasily, at that moment they want nothing more in the world than to take their Ginster’s product and flee into the night.

“About a third of the time I would pretend something was wrong with the machine, just to make them do it again.

“The rest of this job is shit, but for those few seconds I was a minor god.”

A CBI spokesman said: “Soon your debit card will be a miniature drone which flies out of the window at night and makes aspirational purchases of Japanese denim and French horns.  

“Look at your own payment history. Are you honestly saying we couldn’t spend it better?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Asking Kay Burley what’s wrong with her is ‘Pandora’s Box on steroids’

THE MP who asked Kay Burley ‘what’s wrong with you’ has done a very bad thing, experts have warned.

Dawn Butler asked Burley the question during an angry Sky News interview, after Burley pressed her repeatedly on who she would vote for in the Labour leadership contest, even though Butler had said ‘Andy Burnham’ three times.

Parapsychologist, Dr Julian Cook, said: “Oh, Jesus Christ no. You don’t ask Kay Burley that. Unless you are prepared to go all the way.

“This is going to be like The Wizard of Oz if it was directed David Cronenburg.”

He added: “I once thought about what may be wrong with Kay Burley and I passed out at a bus stop and came round a few moments later surrounded by concerned strangers. I told them what had happened and then one of them punched me.”

Butler said: “I’m incredibly sorry. As soon as I said it I thought ‘fuck!’.”

Meanwhile, Burley tweeted: “Is everyone sitting comfortably?”