Couple request mortgage holiday after trip to Waitrose

A COUPLE who decided to shop in Waitrose as a treat have come home and immediately requested a three-month mortgage holiday. 

Tom and Natasha Logan decided that they deserved better than their weekly click-and-collect and did a big shop in the upmarket store which had to be put on credit card.

Tom said: “I realise now we were naïve. But it all seemed so nice and gentle and welcoming.

“I began on high alert, warning Nat when she strayed near the vine-ripened tomatoes and those inviting little trays of plump raspberries, which made me feel gauche and cruel.

“It’s so blessedly civilised in there. No-one yells at their kids and all the elderly shoppers are the friendly kind in pastel cardigans, not the grizzled kind with green tattoos who’d fight you for a nicotine hit.

“In retrospect, the tipping point was the essentials Grana Padano. Essentials is how they get you. Then caramelised onion hummus, and by the end if felt totally normal to be spending £6.50 on two ‘salted caramel crème pots’.

“I called the mortgage people and they said they understood and had we tried the lavender-flavoured shortbread? So we’re going back next week.”

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Thousands of naked people queue for Primark as their cheap shit clothes fell apart weeks ago

PRIMARK branches around England are besieged by naked Primark customers whose crappy clothing fell apart a fortnight into lockdown. 

Queues of nude cheapskates stretch for almost a mile, with customers desperate to get inside and cover their nakedness for the month the stitching lasts out.

Susan Traherne of Ashton-under-Lyne said: “My whole wardrobe’s Primark, or it was. There’s nothing left but a few rags that dissolve into handfuls of threads when you touch them.

“Neither I nor any of the rest of the family has worn clothes since March. It’s like the garden of Eden round ours. Mainly we’ve got away with it, though clap for the NHS was always awkward.

“I can’t wait to pull a new cardigan over my shoulders and revel in its warm embrace until the seams begin to split and the sleeves unravel. That 20 minutes will be so sweet.”

Primark has confirmed that changing rooms will be closed and clothes cannot be tried on, because there is little chance they would survive the experience.