Dentists hail return of Saab

DENTAL surgeons are excited at the prospect of being able to buy Saab cars again. 

As the car company resumes production after a two year hiatus, dentists said they could now stop buying Mercedes and Audis.

44-year-old dental practitioner Tom Logan said: “Something about the Saab brand really chimes with my eerily clinical dentist mind.

“They’re precision engineered and moderately expensive without making me look like a drug dealer.”

53-year-old dentist Julian Cook said: “There’s something about these cars that is inherently hygienic. I like that.”

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Undercover reporters messing up your Amazon order

THOUSANDS of Amazon orders will be incorrect because its warehouses are mostly staffed by undercover journalists.

Over 80% of the retail behemoth’s frontline workforce are too busy writing about their working conditions to do their jobs properly.

An Amazon spokesman said: “The worse you treat undercover journalists the more they like it, which is a real boon for any employer, but sadly they’re so absorbed in composing their pieces they keep screwing up.

“As a result close to half of our Christmas orders will be incorrect, late, or appearing in short segments on tomorrow’s Newsnight.

“Anyway, if you’ll excuse me I just need to make a few notes on how stressed this press briefing has made me.

“Not that I’m a journalist or anything, I’m just…really keen on notes.”

Amazon customer Francesca Johnson said: “I ordered the new Arcade Fire album, and instead got a pocket tape recorder into which someone has dictated an article about timed toilet breaks.

“It’s actually quite good to listen to in the car, but it’s not what I asked for.”

Undercover reporter Julian Cook said: “The rapacious expansion of Amazon threatens to turn us all into 21st century serfs, which is why I’m selflessly seeking to expose its terrible working practices.

“It’ll make a great Sunday supplement article, but I’m really hoping people will be interested enough to buy an expanded version I’m publishing as a Kindle Single.”