Easily-amused face communication crisis

THE collapse of Clinton Cards could leave the UK’s easily-amused community unable to express its banal thoughts, it has been claimed.


The easily-amused, also known as imbeciles, had been able to communicate greetings, condolences, congratulations and other vital sentiments via Clinton Cards products featuring cloying or irritating images.

But as the embattled chain enters administration, it is feared that they could be plunged into social isolation.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “Without oversized, elephant-themed Valentine’s day cards, it could prove impossible for imbeciles to begin or sustain romantic relationships.

“This could also have a knock-on effect for the manufacturers of similarly pointless tat such as heart-shaped helium balloons and teddy bears saying ‘I WUV WOO!’”

Wayne Hayes, a plumber with a low amusement threshold, said: “My dad went into hospital this week and I’ve bought a ‘get well soon’ card showing a randy old git chasing a nurse while waving a crutch.

“I rely on Clinton Cards in these times of crisis when you don’t want to risk leaving anything unsaid.”

Easy-amused housewife Emma Bradford said: “I’ve just got a Clinton card featuring a badly drawn cartoon cat saying ‘DON’T have a great birthday… Here’s hoping it’s PURR-FECT!’ I keep looking at it and cracking up, to me it is perfect.

“Other shops’ cards are mostly pictures of 50-style women saying catty things about husbands and wine. I don’t get those, they scare me.”

The failure of Clinton Cards has partly been blamed on the success of e-cards, which enable the user to wish their mum a happy birthday with an animated cartoon cock.



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Your school dinners are retro, pupils told

THE government is appealing to children’s sense of nostalgia by promoting potato croquette-based school dinners as having a ‘retro vibe’.

As photos emerged on a pupil’s blog showing school meals looking exactly as they did in the 80s, ministers have recruited TV’s nostalgia kingpin Stuart Maconie to leverage the retro factor when convincing pupils to eat the predominantly orange meals.

Speaking at the launch of the ‘Eat Your Cool Retro Dinner’ campaign Maconie said: “Potato croquettes are the carbohydrate equivalent of a ZX Spectrum or Raleigh Chopper. They’re insanely cool even if they taste of dirty steam mixed with glue.

“Same goes for overcooked square pizzas with a three-inch-thick bread base and those things called ‘chocolate crunch’. Very groovy. Collectors pay a lot of money for those on Ebay.

“Not that you should put them on Ebay. You should eat them, eat them all up, yum.”

However the initiative has had a mixed reception from students.

11-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I don’t know who Stuart Maconie is, he looks like the monster I imagine hides in my cupboard.

“He keeps talking about the 80s, which I think is when Sherlock Holmes was king and people had slaves.

“Anyway that’s what I imagine, but I can’t think properly because the pink custard has formed a crust on my brain.”