Facebook Abandons Bid To Copyright Your Tedious Existence

FACEBOOK users were celebrating last night after the social network abandoned its bid to copyright the mind-numbingly tedious details of your pointless life.

Founder Mark Zuckerberg reversed changes to the site's terms and conditions after spending just two hours reading a selection of users' entries.

He said: "It does just seem to be a lot of cat pictures, a smattering of furious extremists and some people who have taken time to tell the world that they're about to head off to the gym."

He added: "Rest assured, all content will remain the copyright of users. This of course means we will be cancelling talks with Paramount about making a Jim Carrey vehicle based on your Friends of Scrabulous night out in Watford."

The decision was welcomed by Nikki Hollis, founder of the online campaign group OMG!1! Facebook want to totally own us. WTF?!?!.
She said: "Everyone tells me I should make a film about all the random stuff I do and now it can happen. A guy I shagged last week works for E4 and said I could completely be a character on Skins."

A threatened boycott of the site never materialised. John Gage, an estate agent from Carlisle, said "I was going to delete my profile, but then realised I would have no other way to fill the cavernous gaps between fag breaks.

"Basically it's either Facebook or masturbating under my desk, and I'm not a young man anymore."

Meanwhile a spokesman for rival site Twitter confirmed all messages will remain the intellectual property of its users, adding: "Bizarre as it may seem, there's not a huge market out there for gobshite haikus."

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Not Even I Believe That Shit, Pope Tells Brown

POPE Benedict XVI has told Gordon Brown that he has believed some crazy things in his time but he's not buying that crap.

During an audience in Rome yesterday Mr Brown said Britain was facing a deep recession and its people were suffering, but insisted none of it had anything to do with him.

Pope Benedict told the prime minister: "Are you taking the piss? Eh? This is the Vatican, you can't just come in here and start taking the piss, you know.

"Listen chum, I believe that a 14 year-old girl got pregnant by the 'Holy Spirit' and that the child was the Son of God and also God at the same time, whatever that means.

"I believe that he walked on water, that he raised the dead and that he fed 5000 people with a couple of haddock.

"I believe that he was killed and then came back to life all in the same weekend and I believe that these tiny little wafers are his actual body and this rather cheap, nasty red wine is his actual blood.

"Not only that, but I also believe some really weird shit about dead, unbaptised babies being condemned to limbo. And, between you and me, I also believe that Jesus could fly.

"Now given all that, you would expect me to swallow just about anything, but what you just said sounds like a lot of arse to me."

The Pontiff added: "It doesn't take some kind of genius Pope to work out that your problems are based on a weak regulatory system and excessive government debt, both of which have been your responsibility for 11 and a half years.

"Not your fault? Get the fuck out of my office."