I am never flying Ryanair again, declares woman for 13th time

A WOMAN has sworn she will never again travel with Ryanair, having sworn the same thing on 12 previous occasions.

Francesca Johnson’s vow, following her recent trip to Barcelona, took a very similar form to her previous vows, all of which she eventually recanted after noticing a cheap new Ryanair destination.

Johnson said: “We were treated like cattle, despite the fact that I tweeted about their customer service when we went to Malta last summer and said I’d never fly with them again.

“I had to pay fifteen quid just so they could reprint my boarding pass, just like that time I flew with them to Budapest, which made me so angry I nearly flew back with another company.”

She added: “I had to pay thirty pounds just to check in some luggage, which reminded me of my trip to Dublin when the same thing happened and I demanded to speak to the captain. That was also the one that was delayed four hours, or was that the one in Sweden? Both, I think.”

She stressed that from now on, she would only be using EasyJet, an airline she has promised never to use again a mere five times.

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Labour manifesto pledges to restore Tom Baker as Doctor Who

LABOUR’S manifesto promises to reverse decades of free-market mismanagement and return Tom Baker to his rightful position as Doctor Who. 

The leaked manifesto claims the ‘Thatcherite’ Peter Davison era was a ‘betrayal of the working classes’, and that it, and all subsequent incarnations, would be declared invalid.

Jeremy Corbyn said: “There has only ever been one, true Doctor Who and we all know it.

“We will restore that Doctor, his jelly babies and his scarf, in adventures of four half-hour episodes where a man-in-a-suit monster is revealed only at the very end of the first.

“There will be regular battles with the Daleks and none of this modern focus on the ramifications of time travel.”

43-year-old Nathan Muir said: “I’ve been a free-market Tory all my voting life, but God help me, the man’s right.

“If he pledges to bring the cute Romana back as well it’s going to be a landslide.”