Illuminati announces record sales of Toblerone

THE secret society running the world has announced a 43% increase in Christmas sales of its popular Toblerone bar.

The crunchy bits are nougat-like tracking devices

Toblerone is the main revenue stream for the Illuminati, a shadowy organisation that manipulates governments for its own nefarious ends.

The distinctive ‘pyramid’ shape of the chocolate bar’s segments is a direct reference to the Illuminati’s logo. Toblerone packaging also carries an image of the Matterhorn, the hollowed-out mountain that houses the organisation’s main base.

A spokesman for the Illuminati said: “Thank God for Toblerone, because we aren’t making much out of controlling the world’s banking system right now.

“Also, the overheads involved with running the world are pretty massive. For example, we have a whole team of designers whose job it is to subtly incorporate the word ‘obey’ into cereal packet designs.

“That doesn’t even bring in money directly, it’s just about subtly influencing the masses.”

Tom Booker, who got a Toblerone for Christmas, said: “I’d never really thought about it before, but why else would it be that shape?

“The actual chocolate is delicious but you’ve got a mass of angles trying to punch through your jaw.”

Chocolate fan Nikki Hollis said: “Part of the reason I buy Toblerones is to support the Illuminati. I actually think they do a really good job for very little credit.

“They’re like the Lyon’s Club but with more emphasis on mind control.”