I’m Drunk Right Now, Say 80% Of Workers

MORE than three-quarters of all office workers are either drunk or drinking at their desks right now, according to a new report.

'Look, I've drawn a pair of titties'

Researchers say tell-tale signs include a sudden drop-off in productivity, as well as noisy parties and written work that is either badly typed gibberish or a rambling diatribe filled with sexual profanity.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Around 40% are arriving drunk at work after downing a bottle of Southern Comfort on the bus, the tube or in their car.

"The other 40% start drinking after they have logged on and are either tipsy, merry or comprehensively shit-faced by 11am."

According to the report around half try to conceal their drinking by mixing coffee granules into their vodka or gin and then nodding intently while saying as little as possible.

Others are more relaxed and keep a box of strong cider parked on their desk at all times. Meanwhile around 10% like to strip to the waist during team meetings while swigging extravagantly from a bottle of Tia Maria.

Professor Brubaker added: "And may I just say, you are looking particularly scrumptious today my dear. Is that a new skirt, by any chance?

"Here, let me buy you a cheeky wee glass of Chardonnay and we can have a proper little chattypoo."

Tom Logan, a surveyor from Croydon, said: "There's this guy, right. There's this guy. What? So, anyway, right, there's this guy…."