Huge, Disgusting Insects On Brink Of Extinction

ENORMOUS, terrifying tropical insects that are the stuff of nightmares may at last be on the brink of extinction, it was claimed last night.

According to the Worldwide Fund for Nature, the endangered list finally includes a range of huge, poisonous beetles and a stick insect that is bigger than a cat.

A WWF spokesman said: "Ooooooooh, that is the mankiest thing I have ever seen. It's got feelers coming out of both ends. Is it on me? IS IT ON ME?"

He added: "Look at the bloody size of it. It's going to eat my eyes! Take it away! TAKE IT AWAY!"

Tom Logan, a sales executive from High Wycombe, said: "Oh thank Christ for that.

"When I was a kid I used to dream about travelling to far off, tropical places where I would have adventures and go swimming in secluded pirate coves, but then I saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

"I know that Margate may not be the most glamorous of summer holiday destinations but at least I'm not going to be chased around the breakfast room by a flying ant, the size of a water melon.

"The sooner these things are erased from history, the sooner I can buy some new flippers."

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Sharp Fall In Wives Worth Having Sex With, Says Relate

THE number of wives still worth having sexual intercourse with has fallen to an all-time low, marriage experts have announced.

According to the relationships charity Relate almost 86% of wives have now completely let themselves go, up from 73% only a decade ago.

Dr Bill Mckay, chief counsellor at Relate, said: "Yes, they can stay off the buns for a few months to get into a dress but as soon as that wedding ring goes on it’s cakey time again.

"Do you know how many calories there are in white wine? Lots, but not as many as there are stored round the middle of your average wife by the time she gets to 40.

"It would not be so bad if you could get away with a quick one, but all this foreplay and orgasm stuff, it’s a lot of hassle. It's not easy to keep going for three or four minutes non-stop at that age."

Relate said it is now advising men not to bother with marriage at all, and to instead treat women mean to keep them keen.

Dr McKay added: "Sit around the house, don’t help with the cleaning or the kids, go out with your mates when you feel like it and don’t say when you are coming back, and if you don't come back, don't say where you've been.

"If that doesn’t have them off the donuts and back on the scales in a pair of sussies and begging you for it in a week I’d be amazed."