Your Problems Solved

Petula says: Dear Faithful,
Well spotted! Illicit mid-air hochmagandy does not count as a breach of your marriage vows, and nor does a bunk-up with a foreign waiter as long as you keep both your feet off the ground at all times. But beware! Standing on a dustbin round the back of the restaurant does not count! If you are determined to do it on home soil have a look at the notable dates section at the front of your Filofax. This lists all the days on which marriage vows do not apply. From memory there are about 11 a year. Hopefully these will be enough to keep you going for a while. Happy hoggins!

I started going out with this girl four months ago and things are really going well. We met when I was driving around a lot at night. I stopped the car, she got in, we went back to mine and she moved in right away. I felt really proud as she is a very popular girl who attracts a constant stream of gentleman callers. She is really nice and I love her deeply. Last night she sat me down and said she had a dark secret to confess, and told me that she had worked as a prostitute. I said not to worry, it was all in the past, and that I would stick by her. She said thanks but pointed out that I owed her £3,000. Is that right? It seems a bit steep.

Petula says: Dear Skint,
It may seem a bit steep but you have to factor in the amount of money you are saving in petrol and the fact that you do not have to take her out for dinner. Add in the fact that you have a face that would make a donkey sick and I think, all in all, you are getting a good deal. Nevertheless after receiving your letter I contacted Tracey on your behalf and she has agreed that if you block book and pay up front she will give you a 10% discount on the next four months.

I read in one of your recent columns that “being your own best friend” could be good for your sex life, and that self-pleasuring was in fact recommended to bring couples closer together in bed. Yet when I pulled out the old flesh rocket for a bit of five-digit disco in the girlfriend’s car the other day as we were heading round to her gran’s for tea she went mad! She called me a filthy pervert, despite the fact I wiped up the tiny bit of nut butter that did end up on her dashboard. Now she won’t have anything to do with me and my sex life is ruined. What were you thinking?

 Petula says: Dear Puzzled,
What were you thinking? It is one thing to tug the old trouser meat every now and again while being chauffered around the country by your better half; but you were on the way to her grans – for tea. Did you not suspect that the sight of your love custard might put your girlfriend off her impending cream fancy? Of course it is always good to let Willy know he’s wanted but there is a time and a place to punch the munchkin. Next time take the bus.

Let Petula solve your problems. Email your questions to [email protected]

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Johnson Pledges Extra Tuck And Crackdown On Buggery

EVERY Londoner is to receive extra tuck before evensong and be given vouchers to opt out of buggery, the city’s new mayor has pledged.

Boris Johnson said Londoners work jolly hard, what with Latin mocks coming up and eveything, and they should jolly well enjoy an extra bit of cake or a nice choccy biccy.

He also called on the city’s senior prefects to get a blooming girlfriend and stop using the first formers for their dirty bum fun.

The new mayor has set up his office in the corner of the senior common room and if you want to speak to him you’ll have to get a ticket from Speccy.

He will be at his desk Mondays and Thursdays, though not all day, because a chap does need a bit of cake and a glass of pop now and again or he’d flipping well keel over like some clapped-out Chinese Coolie.

And as for Tuesdays and Wednesdays, he’s got masses of Greek prep to get through, while on Friday he has constituency business in Henley.

Mr Johnson told a press conference at City Hall: “It must be flipping awful for the younger boys. Half of them can’t sit down. Get a magazine or something. Binty’s got stacks.

“And if that doesn’t work, go and see Matron and she’ll give you the name and address of a very nice woman in the village who’ll take a cheque.”