Intern adds 'procuring and distributing varied, challenging ice-cream order' to CV

AN intern at a London office is turning her menial role bringing everyone ice-cream into proof that she is a dynamic self-starter. 

Francesca Johnson, who is being sent on six lolly runs a day, is hoping that her experience, suitably embroidered, will land her a graduate position with a blue-chip city firm.

She explained: “When I say ‘breaking down existing practice of working in silos to create greater sideways synergies’, that’s when I do lolly runs for two floors at once.

“‘Deploying social media to build brand profile’ is the Facebook account I set up for everyone to do their lolly requests on, and ‘disrupting established providers to create an unregulated marketplace’ is when I bribed security with Calippos to get rid of the ice-cream van.

“My favourite is ‘leveraged economies of scale to increase distributor margins by 250 per cent’. That’s when I got multipacks from Tesco and made myself an extra £80 a day.”

Recruitment agent Carolyn Ryan said: “This is impressive. Really impressive. Maybe we should take her on. I’m gasping for a Maxibon.”

Smug loved-up couple people not so f**king snuggly in heatwave

A SMUG loved-up couple aren’t looking so pleased with themselves in this week’s heatwave.

Self-professed “snuggle monsters” Nikki Hollis and Tom Booker usually spend their nights in a happy tangle of limbs, but are now on the verge of violence after two uncomfortably warm nights.

Booker, 26, said: “I Iove to spoon and be close to Nikki, and to wake up with her still in my arms.

“But Jesus fucking Christ if she touches me with those weird oven feet in the night again, things are going to get dark.”

Hollis added: “I love my snuggle bum so much, and I always will. But when he drenched the bed with his back sweat last night I genuinely thought about smothering him.

“And if his disgusting sticky head touches my pillow again, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.”