Interns gaining valuable going-out-to-get-lollies experience

INTERNS across the country are earning crucial on-the-job experience of being sent out to get Soleros. 

Whether working at hot brokerage houses, sweltering internet start-ups or the Houses of Parliament, the young and unpaid are sharpening their key lolly-buying skills.

Nathan Muir said: “My godfather pulled serious strings to get me six months unpaid at the Times, and I’m learning a lot.

“I know every fridge in every mini-mart within a square mile to a depth of 18 inches. I know the melting point of a Cornetto is 285.15 degrees Kelvin.

“On the other hand I’ve not written a word of copy, and I had to take last Friday off because my thumb was showing early signs of frostbite.

“I have a Cambridge first.”

City editor Helen Archer said: “It teaches them speed, accuracy, people skills, and it’s bloody boiling in here. The air doesn’t circulate.

“Oi. Workie. My Calippo melted when I was on a call. Get me another.”

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Hangovers now include terrifying existential dread, discover over-35s

ONCE you are over 35 hangovers become a bleak psychological prison of paranoia and depression, it has been confirmed.

Drinkers who used to bounce back from hangovers with relative ease have been shocked to discover a more malignant age-related version that threatens to crush their soul.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Instead of my usual hangover, I have a feeling which I can only describe as like being experimented on with CIA mind control drugs while the world comes to an end and demons in your head tell you you’re an arse.

“Eventually I realised it must be one of those terrible hangovers people have in their 30s – the ones that make them say ‘I can’t take the hangovers anymore’ and look wistful.

“I don’t know what was worse, the sense of misery and agitation that persisted all day, or the thought of staying in for the rest of my life watching Coast.”

Hangover specialist Dr Emma Bradford said: “Horrific psychological hangovers are nature’s way of stopping you having fun and making you take an interest in middle-aged pursuits like buying tubes of sealant.

“At present there is no cure, and there will never be a cure.”