Jury asked if it could find Coulson ‘ultra-guilty’

ANDY Coulson’s completely obvious involvement in phone hacking prompted his trial jury to ask if they could find him more than guilty.

The former chief stalker at the News of the World was found guilty of conspiring to intercept phone messages after the judge turned down requests to find him ‘super-guilty’, ‘ultra-guilty’ and ‘so-fucking-guilty’.

After resigning from the tabloid, Coulson became David Cameron’s spin doctor because the Tory leader liked his dodgy face and his experience of working for an organisation that feasted on human souls.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “The prime minister is profoundly sorry that Andy got caught.”

Meanwhile, the jury found Rebekah Brooks not guilty of phone hacking when she was News of the World editor, prompting experts to conclude that she must have been rubbish at her job.

Brooks and her husband Charlie are now expected to launch a line of hand-stitched leather folders for concealing high-quality lesbian erotica.


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Queen intensely interested in Game of Thrones sex scenes

THE Queen’s visit to the Game of Thrones set in Belfast was dominated by detailed questions about the show’s sexual content.

After meeting the producers of the fantasy drama, the Queen immediately asked how many people are in the room when the sex is filmed and ‘how much of it is acting?’.

The Queen also asked if the actors wear underpants ‘if they are only being filmed from the waist up and there is no need to show their buttocks’.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “Her Majesty is an avid Game of Thrones fan as it combines two of her favourite things – dragons and unbridled passion.

“She does tend to skip over the more gruesome violence, but when a good sex scene comes on you have to keep your mouth shut or she can get quite angry.”