Gerrard to consider his frowning future

STEVEN Gerrard is to make a decision on whether he wants to continue looking dejected.

He said: “I don’t want to let my country down but this constant expression of consternation is giving me a forehead like a corrugated bacon joint.”

“The younger lads are more than capable of standing in the centre circle with their hands on their hips looking sad, while a drunken mob boos them for being as inadequate as they’d always suspected.

“For now I just want to spend a little time with my family, maybe forgetting a birthday so I can do a crestfallen face at home without the pressure of projecting despondency at a global level.”

Roy Hodgson has urged the skipper to stay on as captain as he feels he still has a lot to offer in terms of looking like he’s just been caught wanking in Boots.

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One in five hospitals not actually hospitals

MORE than 20% of buildings that claim to be hospitals are nothing of the kind, it has emerged.

A study found that one in five hospitals did not take patient care seriously, mainly because they are factories, discount furniture warehouses and municipal swimming pools.

Jeremy Hunt, the secretary of state for health, said: “We genuinely wanted to build lots of lovely new hospitals but there was no money because of socialism.

“Anyway, we realised we could increase the number of hospitals significantly by simply using the word ‘hospital’.”

Mr Hunt added: “I assumed that human nature would mean that when an ambulance turned up with a sick person on board, the people who worked in these buildings would try to help.

“Turns out they were already pretty busy and so lots of patients weren’t treated in any way at all.

“That said, quite a few of them would have been able to buy a sofa, or have a swim, or get a job making sausage skins.

“And you want to take that away from them. What’s wrong with you?”