Dad decides not to leave children his Ikea furniture and DVDs

FATHER-OF-TWO Tom Booker has decided his children will not inherit his personal fortune of two Billy bookcases, some DVDs and a broken cross-trainer.

Divorced Booker was inspired by pop icon Sting, who said his children will have to make their way in the world without inherited wealth.

He said: “Without wishing to sound like a sanctimonious twat, I don’t want my kids becoming idle, entitled wastrels because they’ve gotten a free vanload of pretty good stuff.

“After a lifetime of living in rented accommodation while working as a security guard, I’ve got no money but have accrued some rather awesome DVDs including the Godfather box set, lots of Rutger Hauer titles and the little-seen horror film Ghost Ship which has got her out of The Good Wife in it.

“I want my children to learn the value of money and not see second-hand entertainment media as something that just lands in their laps.”

Booker’s daughter Emma Bradford said: “I respect dad’s decision, mainly as will save us hiring a skip.”

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Manchester-Leeds train link to revolutionise fighting

A HIGH-SPEED train service will halve the time it takes to commute between Leeds and Manchester for a fight.

Currently Mancunians wishing to lay Yorkshire twats spark out on the cobbles face a two-hour journey, as do gentlemen of the White Rose county looking to fill in some Manc scum.

George Osborne said: “For Britain to remain a global force in hardness we need to hothouse our leading proponents of street violence.

“These two magnificent cities, which have hated each other since time immemorial, are losing countless hours of enmity in laborious train journeys across the Pennines.

“By the time passengers reach Dewsbury, or Stalybridge coming the other way, the red mist has lifted and too often instead of stamping on someone’s solar plexus they simply go shopping.

“A high-speed link which won’t let hot tempers cool could turn Hebden Bridge into a national centre for brawling.”