Old car overtakes new cars

A VEHICLE more than 14 years old passed several newer and more powerful cars on the M4 yesterday.

The car, a Toyota Corolla in black with rust spots, astonished other motorists by reaching speeds of around 80 miles per hour.

BMW driver Julian Cook said: “I’d moved into the middle lane, because the outside lane was empty and I wanted to bully someone, when I saw it in my rear-view mirror.

“At first I assumed, naturally, that I’d slipped through a time warp to the era of The Libertines when such a car would have been a common sight.

“But, as it slowly but magnificently overtook me, I realised it was real, it was happening now and that its in-car entertainment was a tape-deck with a removable face.”

An estimated 26 cars, many of them the good German kind, were passed by the strange apparition on Monday afternoon before it disappeared near Swindon.

PC Joanna Kramer said: “Though it is against the natural order of things for a car costing less than £850 to pass one worth forty times that, it isn’t actually against the law.

“Our advice is to keep calm, stay in your lane, and fight the urge to ram it off the road for its sheer effrontery.”

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Health campaigners may actually be insane

FANATICAL public health campaigners may be mentally ill, it has emerged.

Doctors who want smoking banned for anyone born after 2000 are being asked whether their obsessive quest for the perfectly healthy human might have turned them a bit funny.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Health campaigning began innocuously with pre-war posters saying things like ‘Eat an apple!’ and ‘Don’t drink beer all the time’.

“But the next big campaigns are going to be about travelling back in time to unsmoke any fags you’ve ever had, and worshipping Fruitor the fruit god.

“The problem with health campaigners is they get so into physical health they can’t form a mental image of anything except  a wicker basket full of shiny apples, thus they end up completely barking.”

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “Health campaigns make you feel worse than a distraction burglar if you have two cans of Coke a day.

“It’s as though doing anything unhealthy means you’re stealing money from the NHS which could be used to treat decent people. You know, the ones who think drinking more than two glasses of wine means you’re Sid Vicious at his most nihilistic.”

Government health advisor Dr Mary Fisher said: “Rest assured there isn’t some sort of public health Spanish inquisition going on.

“Which is a shame, because I could easily get people to renounce ready meals if I could use red-hot pliers on them.”