'Limited edition' products guaranteed to attract twats

ANYTHING ‘limited edition’, whether a sports car or a Snickers, attracts the high-spending twat demographic like moths to a flame, marketers have confirmed.

The label, which in theory could be applied to any product whatsoever, lost any actual significance decades ago but continues as a highly effective marketing tool for irredeemable bell-ends.

Marketing scientist Carolyn Ryan said: “What manufacturers of limited edition products do is add a touch of complete bollocks to anything which is otherwise mass-produced.

“Snakeskin, sparkly crystals, platinum, a small transfer of Mario; whatever it takes to makes it desirable in the eyes of real dicks.

“Then we put them on the market, make them especially expensive and hard to get, and it triggers a kind of knobhead frenzy as they all fight to get something other people haven’t got, no matter how shit it is.

“It doesn’t matter what the actual product is. You could make a limited edition Gucci Star Wars shit shovel and they’d be queuing up outside the shop from 6am to buy one then flip it on eBay.”

Ryan added: “Unfortunately you can’t limit the edition of the twats buying this stuff. Sadly they will breed.”

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Health experts confirm smug coffee drinking bastards were right

EVANGELISTS for the wonders of coffee have become even more intolerable after scientists confirmed it is good for your health.

News that three cups of coffee a day improves health has made men like Nathan Muir, a social media manager who mentions his £1,700 Jura bean-to-cup expresso machine once an hour, into supernovas of over-caffeinated self-righteousness.

Colleague Helen Archer said: “Look at his face, sipping from his ‘Mr Hipster’ mug of organic artisanal hand-roasted smugness.

“He’s been a wanker about coffee since the first day he called the cup of Nescafe he was offered ‘blasphemous’, but at least we had the comfort that his caffeine addiction was slowly poisoning him. Now even that’s gone.

“Can you imagine how morally superior his lectures are going to become now? These scientists are no better than the ones who’ve given nukes to Kim Jong-il.

“The worst thing is that I’ve been drinking green tea, which tastes like the boiled piss of the devil, because I thought it was good for me. So technically, I’m the twat.”

Muir said: “The Bean is the Way and the Life. Worship the Bean.”