Middle-managers welcome new blame culture detector

OFFICES are to be revolutionised by a device that detects challenge­-averse working practices including blame culture and failure to think out of the box.

The new handheld machine, developed in the US, bleeps loudly when pointed at non-­proactive employees, departments working in silos or staff who are not alert to potentially cost­-saving synergies.

Brand architect Francesca Johnson said: “Us managers spend our time incentivising colleagues to identify what good looks like, but can find our vital job tough to establish metrics for, and that means trouble from the bean­ counters.

“This gadget means we can sort the team players from the disengaged and show that our away days and workstream management are mission­-critical.”

Marketing executive Susan Traherne said: “This is a nightmare. Anytime my manager says we need to harmonise going forward I switch off and doodle the bloke from True Blood nude.

“I don’t even know what a key deliverable is, let alone how I can stack them up for quick wins with my stakeholders.

“If that machine gets anywhere near my desk it’s going to scream like a punched toddler.”

Disgruntled employees in the US have claimed that the device bleeps, buzzes and lights up entirely at random, and that managers are making up the results to suit themselves.

A spokesman for the manufacturers replied: “These people are nothing but negative ninjas and mood hoovers who need to learn to bring solutions, not problems, to the table.”



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Hairy slob in cheap trousers represents 'average man'

A WHOLLY unremarkable, paunchy slob from Birmingham perfectly represents the man of today, it has been claimed.

The announcement comes following a tabloid furore over whether ‘Posh Spice’, an emaciated millionairess with fake tits, or ‘Jordan’, a slightly less emaciated millionairess with fake tits, best epitomises the typical woman.

38-year-old Dave, who works in an office, said in response to his accolade: “Oh right. Where’s my socks?

“I’m hungry, is there any crisps?”

Britain’s gender archetypes are determined annually by a group of people who hate people, which includes representatives from the advertising industry, television and the Daily Mail.

A media industry spokesman said: “Using sophisticated marketing algorithms, we have figured that females are most receptive to the purchase of crud when aspiring to be a neurotic super-geisha with a tiny dog and a house like a space station.

“Men are harder to crack because they have less self-esteem to destroy. So generally they’re better off providing the comic relief in adverts for cleaning goods.

“For example, the woman is frantically mopping the floor prior to a business meeting when her husbands shuffle in in his pants and accidentally tips custard all over to floor, then punches his forehead and goes ‘oh no, I am such a clown!'”

Woman Emma Bradford said: “I’m fairly sure I’m nothing like Victoria Beckham, who looks like a snake struggling to digest a pair of breast-sized eggs. And Jordan…well I’m fairly sure I’ve never had Dane Bowers’s big toe in my vagina.

“Dear God, there must be something wrong with me.”