Mike Ashley attacks ‘greedy’ landlords from inside giant pie

SPORTS Direct owner Mike Ashley has attacked ‘greedy’ commercial landlords with bathing in an 18ft meat pie. 

The businessmen hit out at property owners refusing to let House of Fraser stores pay reduced rents, speaking from the custom-built luxury pie in which he spends his days while women in bikinis ladle gravy over him.

He said: “The grabbing bastards. What happened to being happy with enough? Mmmm. More Worcestershire sauce please love.

“This gold-leaf Villeroy & Boch pie dish didn’t come cheap, but I didn’t make my money by fucking over the little man to line my own pockets. Nor would I. Ask anyone.”

Pausing to suck some marrow from the huge bone which is the pie’s centrepiece, he continued: “Ask any of the Toon Army. They know Mike Ashley abhors greed. Right. Hold my crown. I’m going in.”

The billionaire then disappeared beneath the pie’s crust, and did not re-emerge.