Mike Ashley attacks 'greedy' landlords from inside giant pie

SPORTS Direct owner Mike Ashley has attacked ‘greedy’ commercial landlords with bathing in an 18ft meat pie. 

The businessmen hit out at property owners refusing to let House of Fraser stores pay reduced rents, speaking from the custom-built luxury pie in which he spends his days while women in bikinis ladle gravy over him.

He said: “The grabbing bastards. What happened to being happy with enough? Mmmm. More Worcestershire sauce please love.

“This gold-leaf Villeroy & Boch pie dish didn’t come cheap, but I didn’t make my money by fucking over the little man to line my own pockets. Nor would I. Ask anyone.”

Pausing to suck some marrow from the huge bone which is the pie’s centrepiece, he continued: “Ask any of the Toon Army. They know Mike Ashley abhors greed. Right. Hold my crown. I’m going in.”

The billionaire then disappeared beneath the pie’s crust, and did not re-emerge.

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Cats wondering why they didn't try teamwork before

A GROUP of cats has belatedly discovered it is far easier to get things done if you work as a team.

Cats from a street in Nuneaton have reportied huge efficiency gains after cooperating on feline activities including catching mice, damaging furniture and shitting in other people’s gardens.

Black and white cat Wayne Hayes said: “We’ve worked out a system where some of us flush out the mice and the others form a perimeter to stop them escaping. We caught 53 today.  

“I don’t know why we didn’t do this years ago. The Scots terrier down the road used to scare the shit out of me but he soon stops acting the hardman when 30 of us turn up.

Persian cat Susan Traherne said: “Normally I get shooed away before I can defecate in Mrs Norcott’s rockery, but with Spats and Ziggy creating a diversion it’s a piece of piss.

“I have to go now because I’m late for a strategy meeting about ambushing magpies.”