M&S about to learn 14 different French words for 'shit'

MARKS and Spencer is about to discover all the different words the French have for things that are shit.

The store is to return to France after a decade in a brave move that includes trying to sell French people what English people think is fancy food.

Retail analyst Julian Cook said: “Marks and Spencer takes great pride in products such as its slow roasted lamb stew with fresh rosemary and marinated parsnip fennels, or their extra gooey, chocolate-coated orgasm sponge.

“But the average French person would look at it and say, ‘yes, that’s all very well, but what the fuck’s it doing in a packet?’.

“‘Why isn’t it being made in a kitchen by a man or woman who has known how to make it since they were three?’.”

He added: “I suspect their new Simply Food store will attract mainly American tourists who are only visiting France so they can call everyone a coward.

“And of course the Parisians do love their dogs so if Marks and Spencer is lucky they’ll mistake it for some kind of mid-market pet food store.”

Holding an M&S pre-cooked beef bourguignon between his fingers like it was a radioactive tarantula, Jean-Pierre Lafarge, a truck driver from Toulouse, said: “Just because Dervla Kirwan sounds like she wants to shove it up her vagina doesn’t actually mean that it’s any good.

“Frankly, I wouldn’t push this into a goose.”



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Average Mother's Day gift selection time rises to 3.5 seconds

THOUGHTFULNESS is on the increase across the UK with some people taking almost four seconds to choose a Mother’s Day present, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found the average time spent selecting a gift for the annual obligatory display of affection increased by just under one third of a second.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People are no longer just reaching for the first chocolate product or flowers that costs approximately a fiver. They are momentarily deliberating between products before thinking, ‘yeah, that’ll do’.

“At least we hope that’s the case. Possibly it’s just because they’ve rearranged garages so that the generic flowers are slightly harder to spot.”

Meanwhile, there is also evidence that general gift quality is increasing.

Bill McKay, from Darlington, said: “What with inflation and how much I love my mum, I’ve increased the budget to £6.20 including the card.

“I would always get the generic flowers in the sort of plastic sheath – paid for, mind, not just lifted from the site of a bad crime – or whichever chocolate selection box has a sticker on it saying ‘gift idea’.

“This year though I’ve decided to be more original and get her eight Double Deckers. It’s much better value in terms of weight.

“Plus they’re on offer.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I know my mum would do anything for me,
that’s why I don’t really need to bother with a decent present, although
I shall drop in with a card this Sunday. The fact that I’m spending
time with her rather than doing somethng I want to do will mean the
world to her.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley added: “It’s all a big marketing thing cooked up by Americans in the Fifties, or something. The maternal bond shouldn’t be commodified or reduced to the giving of a product on an arbitrarily-allocated day.

“At least that’s what I’m telling myself after just discovering the fucking garage is shut.”