MARKS and Spencer is about to discover all the different words the French have for things that are shit.
The store is to return to France after a decade in a brave move that includes trying to sell French people what English people think is fancy food.
Retail analyst Julian Cook said: “Marks and Spencer takes great pride in products such as its slow roasted lamb stew with fresh rosemary and marinated parsnip fennels, or their extra gooey, chocolate-coated orgasm sponge.
“But the average French person would look at it and say, ‘yes, that’s all very well, but what the fuck’s it doing in a packet?’.
“‘Why isn’t it being made in a kitchen by a man or woman who has known how to make it since they were three?’.”
He added: “I suspect their new Simply Food store will attract mainly American tourists who are only visiting France so they can call everyone a coward.
“And of course the Parisians do love their dogs so if Marks and Spencer is lucky they’ll mistake it for some kind of mid-market pet food store.”
Holding an M&S pre-cooked beef bourguignon between his fingers like it was a radioactive tarantula, Jean-Pierre Lafarge, a truck driver from Toulouse, said: “Just because Dervla Kirwan sounds like she wants to shove it up her vagina doesn’t actually mean that it’s any good.
“Frankly, I wouldn’t push this into a goose.”