Mail readers' heads explode in search for April Fool

THOUSANDS of heads were exploding across Britain today as people tried to work out which Daily Mail story was a hoax.

Homes and offices were filled with the strains of mounting confusion followed by a wet bursting sound as walls, ceilings and bus stops were spattered with fresh brain.

Dr Tom Logan, a psychiatrist, said: “The first candidate is ‘Feminism widened poverty gap’ which seems to be an obvious and grotesque falsehood, but of course the Mail thinks it’s true.

“Next up is the attractive public school teacher getting her knockers out – but they do about four of those a day at the moment.

“Naturally we can skip past ‘India to overtake China as world’s biggest nation’ because, to the Daily Mail, that is deadly serious.

“Then we have ‘Only English people pay for prescriptions’, but they specifically point out that it’s not the April Fools joke, lest they miss an opportunity to ramp up the seething hatred between people of all backgrounds.

“Then there’s ‘Men with pot bellies more likely to go blind’ which does have the feel of a Daily Mail hoax because it would be so horribly cruel and unfunny. But there is some science in it apparently.

“That leaves us with ‘Garden hedge that looks like Buddha sparks religious hate campaign’. But of course that is the sort of quintessentially English reaction to Buddha-shaped topiary that can only be true.

“Actually, can we stop for a minute? I’m starting to feel a build up of pressure behind my left ear.”


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Work starts on Olympic Stadium excuses

SEBASTIAN Coe has launched the first tranche of excuses about why something in the Olympic Stadium doesn’t work.

With just 16 months until the games begin, many had feared workers would run out of time to explain why the toilets don’t flush and all the seats are facing the wrong way.

But Lord Coe said: “It’s a beautiful testament to British buck-passing and I can’t wait until the opening ceremony to be given the chance to explain why the place is half-empty and smells like a cesspit.

“I don’t think anybody wants to see a re-run of the disgraceful scenes in China with its breathtaking spectacle running like clockwork.

“And if they do, they’re barking up the wrong ill-conceived, mindblowingly expensive and ultimately ruinous tree.”

Some have cited the stadium’s completion on time and under budget points to a successful project not requiring excuses, but the builders have promised that will all change as soon as anybody tries using the electrics, the plumbing or any of the floors.

Coe added: “Then there’s the issue of a transport system unable to cope with a coach party of pensioners from Leeds, let alone the numbers associated with a hamfisted international sporting event, to concoct excuses for.

“And, lest we forget, the whole thing is in East London.”

The stadium will be opened officially next week by Lord Coe and London mayor Boris Johnson, who will then launch an immediate enquiry into why there was piss everywhere.