Neglected gerbil establishes successful internet business

A GERBIL forgotten by its owners survived by establishing a thriving online business selling self-tapping screws, it has emerged.

The male rodent, who has never really had a proper name but was most commonly called Gerby, was left entirely to its own devices after its two child owners lost interest within a fortnight.

Housewife Emma Bradford, who gave Gerby to her two children after months of pestering, said: “After the kids stopped playing with it, I’m ashamed to say I just forgot the gerbil was up in the loft.

“After several months of having our minds on things not involving the gerbil, we started to hear odd sounds coming from upstairs, it sounded like forklift trucks and large boxes being unpacked.

“You can imagine my surprise when I discovered the room had been transformed into a neatly ordered warehouse with a team of four full-time pickers and packers successfully co-ordinated by Gerby.”

Gerby said: “I got to a stage where there had been no food or water for four days. I was trapped and helpless, like James Caan in the film Misery.

“Having gotten thin enough to slip through the bars of my cage, I found the stairs were too steep to negotiate but there was an old PC in the loft.

“I managed to turn it on, realising that my only hope for survival lay in online retail.

“From there things just kind of grew organically.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Government launches fruit machine training course

WITH proper jobs increasingly scarce, the government has launched a fruit machine skills course aimed at the long-term unemployed.

According to tutors on the free gambling machine course, titled Get Fruity!, skilled players can earn up to £440 per day.

Fruit machine trainer Tom Logan said: “It’s a money-based game with an element of chance. You’re basically a banker, but you can wear jogging bottoms to work.

“Lots of young people want to get into fruit machines, but they don’t know where to start. The flashing lights and music are simultaneously appealing and confusing.

“Our course covers all the basics of playing the fruities, from how best to deploy your nudges to how to tell if a machine’s paid out recently just by looking at it from a funny angle.”

Unemployed Stephen Malley said: “They start you off an a beginner’s machine like The Addams Family, working up to something a bit more sophisticated like Wheel of Fortune.

“After three months I’ve nearly broken even. It’s really given me my self-esteem back.

“I used to spend all day on the sofa playing console games, now I’m in the local chain casino where there’s exciting people of all ages and they have free chips on Tuesdays.”