North threatened by closure of essay mills

THE great essay mills of Northern Britain, which cover the country from Blackpool to Middlesbrough churning out dissertations, may have to close.

The industry employs 80 per cent of the North’s population, with whole families never having known any other way of life but producing academic essays for soft Southern students.

But universities are trying to close the mills down, claiming that they are “cheating” and are produced in “primitive and inhumane” conditions.

Joseph Turner of Stalybridge said: “It’s tough, no doubt about it. I’ve been down the mill since 12 years old, straight from school, and hadn’t been here a week before losing a finger on a dissertation on Mailer’s treatment of women in The Deer Park.

“But we’re proud of doing the work everyone else is too fancy to do, and it’s what we know. Our lads here have produced every essay on Popper’s theories of empirical falsification submitted in the last 20 years. You won’t get that workmanship from China.

“Yes, we’re mostly retired by 45 suffering from MacBook finger and post-modernist’s lung, but without the mills whole communities will be thrown on the dole. It’d be devastating.”

He added: “Southerners. Try asking them to turn out 8,000 words on Austro-Hungarian colonial ambition in the First World War. They wouldn’t have a bloody clue.”