Six handy tips for beating student debt

AS students face bills of £46,000 or more for a degree, many are struggling to get through three years of education.

Follow these tips to graduate debt-free:

Put off going to university until you’re working in a highly-paid profession such as barrister or consultant surgeon. Simply sneak out of operations and court cases whenever you’ve got a lecture.

Gigs are a big part of student life, so save money by only seeing the worst, cheapest bands. Why buy £60 Killers tickets when an overweight local Shakin’ Stevens tribute is performing at the British Legion for free?

Persuade your parents to invest in property and become buy-to-let landlords for your friends. And if they set up their own student loans company, they can cash in for decades to come.

Cheap pasta dishes, nourishing soups, buying from the Whoops! aisle and scraping edible lichen off rocks saves money on meals. Pine tree bark is edible. Be resourceful!

Remember, you don’t have to live on campus. If rent is sky-high near your London university, you can always find a much more affordable place in the Welsh valleys and commute.

Make extra money by inventing an amazing thing no one else has thought of which everyone wants to buy if you’re so fucking clever.

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Government recommends watching 'Doctors' instead of using NHS

THE government has told people to watch BBC soap Doctors before calling their GP just in case the show includes a storyline about their condition.

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt claimed that if everyone watched the daytime show it could potentially save the NHS £100 billion a year.

Hunt said: “I watched one the other day where this old man fell off a ladder and hurt his back.

“So if you had just fallen off a ladder and hurt your back you would know that this was one of the very rare occasions where you should bother the NHS.”

Recently injured man Roy Hobbs added: “I set fire to my hand whilst doing some work on the shed.

“But I sat down and watched Doctors just after lunch and luckily there was a fire in that day’s episode. One of the actors playing a doctor suggested putting it out with some water, so that’s what I did.

“It’s still unbearably painful so I’ll be watching Doctors again this afternoon.”