Northern supermarkets to trial pesto

NORTHERN supermarkets are to start selling pesto, it has been revealed.

The basil-based sauce had previously only been available to Northerners via the internet or from relatives in the South.

Tom Booker, manager of Sainsbury’s in Bradford, said: “The last time we put any strange green stuff on the shelves it was Heineken, in 2015.

“But I’m an open-minded man, so I thought ‘why not?’ I might put it next to the sausages though, just to get some foot traffic.”

If the trial is successful it is believed that pesto could be rolled out across the North as soon as 2022.

Northern supermarket shopper Wayne Hayes said: “This is actually nothing new to me, despite tired stereotypes of Northerners as being somehow ‘old-fashioned’ or culturally isolationist I regularly enjoy pesto at home.

“My ferret won’t touch it though.”

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Twats fleeing London decide which towns to ruin next

A GROUP of high-ranking London twats has met to discuss which provincial towns they can move to and ruin.

After agreeing that London is ‘exhausting’ and ‘a real love-hate kind of deal’, the fuckers discussed a shortlist of towns where they and their coffee-obsessed friends can buy houses and make it into ‘a thing’.

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve done Bristol and Margate, has anyone looked at Gloucester? It’s quite close on the train and not too much of a shithole.”

However branding analyst Martin Bishop said: “I actually looked at a house there when I had my last meltdown and was going to go off and make chairs using 17th century tools.

“The vegan options are terrible and everyone rides around in mobility scooters.”

However others in the group suggested that mobility scooters were ‘very real’ and ‘kind of cool if you need to get home after doing loads of coke’.

Advertising professional Mary Fisher said: “Has anyone looked at Derby? They’ve got an independent bookshop so it can’t be too bad.

“The houses are so cheap you could buy a whole street, then rent it out while writing a novel about pretending to be a barn owl.”

Everyone around the table then laughed and agreed they should each buy a street in Derby because ‘it’d be funny’ and ‘you could rename it Big Tits Close or something’.