Child left unsupervised with Sunday Telegraph

A MUM has been left wracked with guilt after failing to notice her son had picked up a copy of The Sunday Telegraph.

A pleasant pub lunch turned into a nightmare for Donna Sheridan when she saw eight-year-old Jack was engrossed in the demented newspaper.

Sheridan said: “I got distracted paying the bill and when I looked round Jack was halfway through an article claiming the SNP are planning to nationalise Waitrose.

“I was across the room like a shot and tore the paper away from him but he just looked pompous and said, ‘It’s high time we started dealing with Brexit traitors using the Treason Act.’

“Then I asked if he’d seen Matt’s cartoon about millennials being weak and greedy, but he claimed he hadn’t.

“I rushed him to A & E and thankfully the doctors said there’s no permanent damage. I just have to keep an eye on him and call 999 if he starts talking about cricket.

“Luckily he didn’t read the lifestyle article by ‘Olivia Fentington-Hernandez’, so at least he doesn’t think normal people live in mansions and have jobs as ‘holistic clean-eating consultants’.

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Man who ate three reduced-price Easter eggs looking at it as some sort of achievement

A MAN is oddly proud of himself after eating three reduced priced Easter Eggs in just over an hour.

Tom Logan bought the discounted eggs, which nobody wants now because it’s not Easter any more, with the vague intention of giving them to his nieces and nephews.

However he decided to eat all three of them instead.

Logan said: “Only cost me three quid for the lot and I got a free Toffee Crisp mug as well.

“Which is great as now every time I have a cup of tea out of it it’ll remind me of the time I ate all this chocolate and then lay on the sofa for an hour, teetering on the edge of vomiting.

“But also feeling like I’ve finally done something amazing in my life.”

Fellow chocolate fiend Emma Bradford added, “I don’t see the point in a Toffee Crisp mug. Why not make it out of chocolate instead of china?”

“Oh yeah, it’d melt. It’d be fucking brilliant until it did though.”