Boss demands team 'get granular' but won’t explain what it means

THE DIRECTOR of a mid-level marketing firm has demanded his team ‘get granular’ but won’t explain what that means.

Roy Hobbs, the 26-year-old grandson of the firm’s founder, said: “In order to increase revenue, we need to get granular with clients. Very granular.

“Granularity will now be factored into your performance reviews. So you should be constantly thinking about how granular you are.”

When asking to define granularity, Hobbs emptied a packet of sugar on the conference table.

He added: “You’re the sugar and the client is the table. Got it?

“Of course if you refuse to get granular, you may not have a future here.”

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Mum apparently on mission to find most unsuitable place to take a baby

A WOMAN has apparently taken it upon herself to find the most inappropriate places possible to take a baby, it has been confirmed.

Helen Archer said: “I really just think there’s not enough research in this field and I’ve taken it upon myself to find out.”

“You get so many books on where to take a baby, but where are all the books on where not to take a baby?

“I just don’t know if I can get away with taking my baby to places I previously loved going to – like a busy high street Costa, the silent section of the library, or Propaganda for two-for-one glitterbombs on Fridays.

“I know my baby would be pretty embarrassed if he found out that he was impeding on my social life, or missed out on seeing Kanye at the O2 just because he’s not capable of holding his own head up yet.

“Now, how can I get a pram into a casino?”