Friends may have to murder couple who won't stop talking about slow broadband

A GROUP of friends are considering murdering a couple who keep going on about their slow internet connection.

Nikki and Mark Hollis have been moaning incessantly about their broadband since moving to the countryside a year ago, causing friends to contemplate a variety of killing methods.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “They won’t shut up about how it takes them six minutes to open an email and it’s impossible to stream documentaries, by which they clearly mean porn.

“When they do get online they just post messages like ‘Anyone else’s broadband slow today?’. Unfortunately we’ve reached the limit of human tolerance and may now have to kill them.  

“They’re our friends so I’d prefer to make it painless. I favour a contract killer with a high-velocity rifle, although my partner Jessica is prepared to do it herself with an axe.”

Fellow friend Emma Bradford said: “Yesterday Nikki told me for the trillionth time that the superfast fibre optic broadband they had in the city was “phenomenal”.

“I don’t think they’re ever going to stop droning on about broadband so it’s probably best to put them out of their misery. It’s sad but I can’t face another conversation about it taking ages to open a PDF file.

“Murder seems pretty straightforward according to Cluedo, so I’m currently deciding between a revolver and a lead pipe in their home office.”

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Millions of Britons fiddling their sugar tax

AS the sugar tax comes into force, millions of Britons are failing to declare the absolutely fucking massive amount they consume.

The government is facing an epidemic of sugar appreciators concealing their intake, whether in the form of sweets, fizzy drinks or simply eating spoonfuls straight from the bag.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I may have appeared to be eating an enormous Danish pastry earlier but I was just holding it for a friend. I often do that, hold cakes for people.”

School pupil Wayne Hayes said: “I did not consume a ludicrous 14 cans of Coke today. I was only incapable of sitting still for three seconds in geography because I get so excited about oxbow lakes.

“Me and my mates go to the corner shop every lunchtime without fail but we don’t just buy loads of sweets. Today Liam had a mango and I ate a bag of raw broccoli.”

Businessman Nathan Muir said: “My accountant is doing my sugar tax return. He’s managed to calculate it so I ate no sugar in the last year and the government actually owes me 30 kilos.”

A government spokesman said: “If you know someone fiddling their sugar tax, you should report it to our hotline and an Inland Revenue official will come round and brush their teeth.”