A GROUP of friends are considering murdering a couple who keep going on about their slow internet connection.
Nikki and Mark Hollis have been moaning incessantly about their broadband since moving to the countryside a year ago, causing friends to contemplate a variety of killing methods.
Friend Martin Bishop said: “They won’t shut up about how it takes them six minutes to open an email and it’s impossible to stream documentaries, by which they clearly mean porn.
“When they do get online they just post messages like ‘Anyone else’s broadband slow today?’. Unfortunately we’ve reached the limit of human tolerance and may now have to kill them.
“They’re our friends so I’d prefer to make it painless. I favour a contract killer with a high-velocity rifle, although my partner Jessica is prepared to do it herself with an axe.”
Fellow friend Emma Bradford said: “Yesterday Nikki told me for the trillionth time that the superfast fibre optic broadband they had in the city was “phenomenal”.
“I don’t think they’re ever going to stop droning on about broadband so it’s probably best to put them out of their misery. It’s sad but I can’t face another conversation about it taking ages to open a PDF file.
“Murder seems pretty straightforward according to Cluedo, so I’m currently deciding between a revolver and a lead pipe in their home office.”