Pat And Jess Trade Insults Over Strike Action

BRITAIN'S leading postman and his long-standing colleague last night exchanged vicious insults in an acrimonious split over proposed strike action.

Pat Clifton, head of the Royal Mail's Special Delivery Service, has branded Jess, his black and white cat, a 'class traitor who would gladly stab his comrades in the back if he had thumbs'.

Clifton, who has threatened to bring the Cumbrian village of Greendale to a standstill, said: "He knows fuck all about it anyway. I'm the one who's out there in all weathers delivering erection pills and Leona Lewis CDs while he sits in the van with his tongue stuck halfway up his crack."

But Jess insisted: "We have to accept that the Royal Mail needs to be leaner and more efficient in an era of ever increasing electronic communication. As much as I may enjoy the sensation, I have to admit that I really do not need my own sidecar."

He added: "And he can fucking talk. He works about two hours a day and spends the rest of the time on his Blackberry sending dirty emails to Mrs Goggins and trying to coax her into a three-way with Alf Thompson."

A Royal Mail spokesman said: "Jess understands the challenges facing the organisation while Pat uses up vast sums of money maintaining a completely unnecessary helicopter."

Meanwhile the Communication Workers Union has unveiled plans to picket the internet using hundreds of microscopic postmen.

A spokesman said: "We will shrink our members down to the size of an atom, much like Fantastic Voyage starring Raquel Welch, but without the figure-hugging outfits and the tiny submarine.

"They will then be placed inside telephone wires and fibre optic cables in a bid to stop billions of electrons going to work."

He added: "We hope to persuade the electrons to stand in solidarity with us, though that could be tricky as they do tend to travel at the speed of light. Any electrons that side with management will be branded as scabs.

"We'll also be shrinking lots of placards and banners, as well as dozens of tiny little braziers because the internet can get very chilly at this time of year."

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Android X-Factor Finalist Goes On Killing Spree

DANYL Johnson, the android X-Factor contestant, has killed four of his rivals after a dress rehearsal malfunction.

Show insiders said Johnson was struggling through a Joe Cocker ballad when Welsh singer Lucie Jones deliberately made a fart noise.

A source said: "We all cracked up but Danyl was not amused. He started making this high-pitched whirring sound and his eyes glowed red before firing twin laser beams at Lucie, instantly reducing her to a heap of soot.

"One of the cocky blond twins stepped in to calm him down, but Danyl punched him so hard that his fist went through the abdomen and came out the other side, clutching a spleen. It was at that point that Cheryl started to cry."

Insiders said Johnson repeated the phrase 'Directive: Kill' in a metallic, German voice, as he swung his laser eye-beams wildly around the room, decapitating Stacey Solomon and slicing the instantly likeable Olly Murs in two, straight down the middle.

The source added: "Then Simon Cowell rushed in and said 'Voice Command: Desist'. Danyl immediately stopped dead with his head hanging limp, like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner."

Although Cowell's team has refused to comment on the incident, there has been speculation that Johnson may be an experimental military robot customised with bland, generic R&B software.

Military cybernetics expert Bill McKay said: "A shipment of prototype robot soldiers looking exactly like Danyl was recently stolen en route to the Middle East. It's our belief that the culprits hoped to fashion them into successful pop performers that can also be used as unstoppable killing machines."

He added: "Nevertheless, he's still the best one and I really hope he wins."