Pat And Jess Trade Insults Over Strike Action

BRITAIN'S leading postman and his long-standing colleague last night exchanged vicious insults in an acrimonious split over proposed strike action.

'Arse-licking scab'

Pat Clifton, head of the Royal Mail's Special Delivery Service, has branded Jess, his black and white cat, a 'class traitor who would gladly stab his comrades in the back if he had thumbs'.

Clifton, who has threatened to bring the Cumbrian village of Greendale to a standstill, said: "He knows fuck all about it anyway. I'm the one who's out there in all weathers delivering erection pills and Leona Lewis CDs while he sits in the van with his tongue stuck halfway up his crack."

But Jess insisted: "We have to accept that the Royal Mail needs to be leaner and more efficient in an era of ever increasing electronic communication. As much as I may enjoy the sensation, I have to admit that I really do not need my own sidecar."

He added: "And he can fucking talk. He works about two hours a day and spends the rest of the time on his Blackberry sending dirty emails to Mrs Goggins and trying to coax her into a three-way with Alf Thompson."

A Royal Mail spokesman said: "Jess understands the challenges facing the organisation while Pat uses up vast sums of money maintaining a completely unnecessary helicopter."

Meanwhile the Communication Workers Union has unveiled plans to picket the internet using hundreds of microscopic postmen.

A spokesman said: "We will shrink our members down to the size of an atom, much like Fantastic Voyage starring Raquel Welch, but without the figure-hugging outfits and the tiny submarine.

"They will then be placed inside telephone wires and fibre optic cables in a bid to stop billions of electrons going to work."

He added: "We hope to persuade the electrons to stand in solidarity with us, though that could be tricky as they do tend to travel at the speed of light. Any electrons that side with management will be branded as scabs.

"We'll also be shrinking lots of placards and banners, as well as dozens of tiny little braziers because the internet can get very chilly at this time of year."