Post Office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps, bad weather and the decline of the Arctic Monkeys

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault. 

Following the discovery that stamps sold over Post Office counters are being scanned as counterfeit, the Post Office wasted no time in confirming there cannot be any error in its computing systems therefore postmasters are to blame for it and for so much more.

A spokesman said: “As Sherlock Holmes said, once you eliminate the impossible whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. And it’s impossible we could be at fault.

“The only conclusion, therefore, is that postmasters are selling counterfeits as real, are seeding clouds to create rain, drive footfall and sell greetings cards, and secretly played lift muzak while Alex Turner was sleeping to steer him in a new direction.

“Why else would these stamps be showing up as fake? Why else would the spring weather, normally so clement, be so foul? Why else would a hugely successful rock band turn so disastrously to easy listening? Except postmasters?

“In the meantime, our advice to the public to pay their £5 fines, wear a coat, and pray that the Monkeys’ take heed of the muted reception to The Car. Don’t worry. Prosecutions will be forthcoming.”

He added: “We never found out what killed the dinosaurs, did we? Hmm. I have a theory. Actually might as well call it fact.”

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Pervert GP prescribes sex to couple trying for baby

A TAXPAYER-funded GP has made the depraved suggestion that a couple trying to conceive a child should have frequent sexual intercourse.

Stephen and Emma Malley innocently visited their local surgery for advice when the libertine medic subjected them to a barrage of licentious suggestions which left them reeling.

Stephen, aged 28, said: “Like any young couple, we want to start a family. Not to get involved in the kind of depraved rutting this degenerate was openly fantasising about.

“We were barely through the door when she started asking intrusive questions about what we do in the bedroom. ‘Have you been having regular sex?’ ‘Do you currently use contraception?’ We were white with shock.

“When she started talking about ‘cervical mucus’ and ‘semen’ it was all I could do to remain conscious. It was like the most excruciatingly explicit parts of a Carry On film, not an NHS doctor’s office.”

Wife Emma, aged 26, agreed: “As if the words weren’t lewd enough, she handed us a leaflet filled with pornographic cartoon images of people’s privates.

“Is this really what our tax is spent on? A disturbing piece of literature called ‘How to conceive’, which is essentially an English-language Karma Sutra? Once I’d recovered, I called my MP and demanded she be struck off.”

A BUPA spokesman said: “This is why patients should go private. We’d have moved them straight to the £20,000 IVF track with none of that nonsense.”