ORDINARY Britons are to buy Lloyds bank so that they can send it back to the hell from which it came.
The government is selling off shares in the evil corporation, in the mistaken belief that people want to see it thrive.
Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Lloyds has dicked me at every opportunity and now it’s time the chickens came home to roost.
“I see these shares as an opportunity for semi-legally justifiable revenge.
“As a stakeholder it will be technically ‘mine’ which means I can run around my local branch with a cricket bat, smashing everywhere and saying ‘die, die, die’ in a demented voice.”
He added: “Probably I should just have moved my current account years ago, but it’s hassle.”
Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I want my say in how Lloyds is run, and my suggestion would be to see it engulfed in flames.
“I reckon we should close all the branches, dish out the computer equipment to poor people and make its hair-gelled loans spivs build a bonfire around its buildings.
“But I bet the smoke from the flames will form the shape of a big menacing black horse in the sky, making everyone worry that the evil will rise again.”