Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it: 

Rail replacement buses

Trains cost loads but are, when working, fast. Buses are not fast. Buses forced to make a six-mile detour to go to a rural station even though every passenger on them needs to be in Leeds right now are even slower. The journey has added two hours, travel sickness and close contact with suspicious freaks. The cost? The same.

Ad-free streaming

Wasn’t the whole point of streaming to get away from all the TV bullshit? To provide the discerning viewer with a bespoke experience? Hope you enjoyed that while it lasted, because now you still pay while suffering regular interruptions and your only option is to mute and sneer. Don’t worry, the original series you’re getting into will be cancelled anyway.

Withdrawing money from cash machines

£1.75 to take out a tenner? That can get to f**k. In this economy everyone’s struggling enough without a fee added for using a stand-alone cashpoint in a dirty corner of a non-chain off licence. The only people turning a blind eye to this extortion are rich pricks buying cocaine and you after a night out when the takeaway doesn’t accept cards.


Britain wasn’t always charged for the privilege of being bollocked for not flossing. It’s an oral ordeal bought and paid for by National Insurance, which Jeremy Hunt cut with such a flourish last autumn, which still eats into your pay and which no longer includes dentistry because rather than bother going on strike they all went private.

Non-uniform day

Whether at a school or in an office, you’re paying for the privilege of not wearing the clothes you’re usually ordered to wear. You have to pay a fee simply to wear clothing that you’re comfortable in and looks good. They say the fee goes to charity. That makes charities profiteers of human misery.

E-ticket delivery

A physical ticket must be physically delivered. The charge was still a rip-off, but it was for something. A ticket sent to your phone costs nothing, but also apparently costs £2.75? For the painstaking hand-manufacture of a QR code? Even worse when it’s to print your ticket at home, which as provider of both labour and tech you should be charging them.

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All woman's anecdotes about how attractive she is

EVERY single one of a 28-year-old woman’s anecdotes centre on ardent men, jealous women or the sadness of only being appreciated for her stunning looks. 

Sophie Rodriguez also has insights to share about the problems of being too wanted, how embarrassing it is receiving free champagne in bars and multiple stories about celebrities trying to pick her up.

She said: “My experiences are relatable. For example there’s the one about men being pests because I can’t go to a bar without being chatted up by a model and three hedge fund managers.

“And who doesn’t have to turn off notifications whenever they post a bikini shot on Insta because they get so many comments it drains their phone battery? Am I right, girls?

“I’ve got ones about how exhausting it is dating every night, about being completely inappropriately hit up by a modelling agency when I’m putting petrol in the car wearing a puffer coat, and a sexist taxi driver who let me off the fare because ‘you so beautiful’.

“Most recently I lost my good friend Tom because his new girlfriend said I was ‘irritating’, ‘self-obsessed’ and ‘deliberately flirting with him because of her’. So that’s an interesting story about women being insecure in their own skins that doesn’t centre on me at all.”

Colleague Julian Cook said: “I love Sophie’s anecdotes. No idea what they’re about, but you can stare at her while she tells them.”