Everything a snub to Barbie

EVERY award not won, every headline about anything else and every moment spent watching a film that is not Barbie is a calculated snub to Barbie, it has emerged. 

After last night’s BAFTAs sensationally snubbed Barbie by recognising films that are not Barbie, the film’s producer Joe Turner confirmed that it is just a fraction of the snubs unjustly suffered by Barbie at all times.

He said: “For example, I flew here on a plane. Had the fuselage been repainted with the Barbie logo and the whole plane reupholstered in pink? No. Because they don’t respect Barbie. 

“Then I arrive in London, see billboards that are not advertising Barbie, have a conversation with a taxi driver that shamefully fails to even touch on Barbie, arrive at my hotel and guess what isn’t on the television? Barbie. It’s snub after snub after snub.

“Barbie was not only hugely successful, it had artistic integrity. It had diversity. It battled the patriarchy and won. It is everything good in this world, and you’re bored of it? How dare you?

“From now on, everything you watch is Barbie. Every song you hear is from the Barbie soundtrack. And God help you, if you dare jerk off thinking of anyone but Robbie you’ll be chemically castrated.”

Charlotte Phelps of Hounslow said: “You know who actually invented the nuclear bomb? Not Oppenheimer.”

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MPs under 30 'deeply weird'

ANYONE who enters politics when still in their 20s is strange, disturbed and should be stopped, voters have agreed. 

After 28-year-old Gen Kitchen became the new MP for Wellingborough last week, the public voiced support for banning anyone under 30 from entering politics because that is objectively weird.

Political scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “Liz Truss and William Hague got into politics young. I believe that’s the case against pretty much made.

“Though this is cross-party, because it’s always a freakshow. From Dehenna Davison, whose greatest achievement prior to becoming an MP was marrying a man 35 years her senior on Channel 4, to Keir Mather on work experience in a suit his mum bought in the Next sale.

“Anyone spending their fittest years with their glowing skin braying at 90-year-olds about tax credits should be the last person selected as a parliamentary candidate. It should disqualify them automatically, like jury duty.

“Everyone knows the best MPs are failures in business and life who only decide to run because they’re not qualified for anything else. That’s the only way to explain Lee Anderson.

“So to the next Mhairi Black, quit before you’ve wasted a decade achieving nothing in Westminster. You’ll never be this young and drug-resilient again. Enjoy it.”