Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it. 

40-year-old Tom Booker was roped into an evening of pizza, drinks and crazy golf with four old university friends, tried to get out of it multiple times, was left with no choice but to grudgingly attend, and to his dismay had a great time.

He said: “We met at an IPA lounge like absolute arseholes, though the beer was good and the music wasn’t too loud and actually it was nice to get out.

“Everyone was pleased to see me, to the point I had to physically force the sides of my mouth down on principle after the fuss I’d made to my wife about how desperate I was not to go.

“Irritatingly, the night only got better from there. Golf was fun, drinking was fun, I haven’t felt so young in a long time, I really bonded with them on a deep level and it’s pissed me right off.

“It was 4am when I got back, in a state of intense turmoil about my own gratification and also because of a kebab. My wife said ‘See, I told you it’d be fun,’ so that’s made me look a twat as well.

“The lads have all decided we should do this again some time. I suggested trying the new buffet place in the Corn Exchange. I’m sickened by myself.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We ask you: can Cat Deeley and Ben Shephard pull This Morning out of a death spiral of depravity?

ONCE Britain’s favourite mid-morning weekday ITV magazine show, This Morning is now better known for corruption, betrayal and queue-jumping. Can new hosts save it? 

Norman Steele, gamekeeper: “Deeley’s been to America and married an Irishman. Holly would never have done any of those things.”

Carolyn Ryan, spiraliser: “What about Alison Hammond? How will she feel, knowing there’s a job on TV she didn’t get?”

Tom Booker, solar power installer: “I personally would have gone for Genesis P. Orridge and French New Wave filmmaker Agnès Varda, but sadly they’re both dead.”

Joseph Turner, loss adjuster: “But have they got that crucial chemistry? The chemistry of an innocent blonde with big boobs nonetheless and a closeted gay man two decades her senior?”

Eleanor Shaw, underwriter: “You say ‘save This Morning’ as if that would be a good thing.”