Real business of meeting completed in the last fifteen seconds

ATTENDEES at a business meeting have confirmed all the actual decisions were made in the final fifteen seconds before everyone stood up to leave. 

The meeting, titled ‘Q2 Budget Review’, began at 10am and the initial two hours were wasted getting drinks, watching an uninformative Powerpoint, and sharing gossip about anyone not in attendance.

Marketing head Carolyn Ryan said: “It was a traditional business meeting in that nobody had done any prep, nobody wanted to be there and it was close to being entirely unproductive.

“We lost fifteen minutes early on because we’d changed rooms and Nathan had missed the email, then Lindsey had to go and get two more chairs, then I needed coffee but there weren’t any mugs in the kitchen so I had to go down to the fifth floor.

“When I got back Richard was halfway through a story about his mum being ill so we couldn’t just move on to the actual topic of the meeting without being heartless bastards. Katie did a Powerpoint that had f**k all to do with anything, then we had biscuits.

“Suddenly it was lunchtime, there were people banging on the doors for their meeting, and so we agreed we’ll go for a 7.5 per cent budget increase weighted toward last year’s results and review in April in line with the strategy statement. Then got our mugs and left.

“It was so productive that Damien’s booked in a follow-up next week.”

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I can always return it, says woman who never, ever has

A WOMAN has justified her latest costly purchases on the grounds they can be returned for a full refund, which she has never, ever done. 

33-year-old Joanna Kramer visited Next’s website on Saturday for a new pair of trousers, and 90 minutes later was checking out with a basket totalling £280, of which £228 does not count because it could, in theory, be sent back.

Kramer said: “Buying online doesn’t involve nagging worries about how you’ll afford it. You’re not even really buying it – you’re just paying a deposit to see how it looks in person.

“After I popped the trousers in the basket, I had to add a few more items to get delivery included. Why pay that £4.95 when spending an extra £43.50 gets it to you for free? That’s called mature financial planning.

“Of course I’ve returned stuff. I mean, I must have, once, with something. Just because I can’t think of a specific occasion doesn’t mean it never happened. There’s definitely stuff that I hated or didn’t fit that I meant to take back, which is the same thing.

“One time I got as far as printing off the returns label and packaging everything back up for the courier. If you don’t believe me, I can show you, right now. It’s in the wardrobe.”