THE Devil has bought the £400m loan book of bankrupt payday lender Wonga to take possession of all 200,000 souls inside.
Satan explained that keeping track of whether people had been good or bad was extremely complicated, so he and God had agreed to do it based on credit scores instead.
The Horned One said: “As Psalms 37 says, the wicked borrow and do not repay. That’s good enough for me, even if they just desperately needed the cash for a fridge.
“My legion of demonic bailiffs, who are being filmed for a Channel 5 thing, will appear at your front door in a puff of brimstone demanding worldly goods or immortal souls.
“I’m expecting at least 38,000 new residents of Hell in the next quarter, and once we sort the paperwork so they can sign over the souls of guarantors that should go up exponentially.”
Business secretary Greg Clark said: “Is it wrong to condemn people to eternal suffering for taking out a payday loan? It’s a grey area. After all, these are extremely risky borrowers.”