Satan buys Wonga's loan book

THE Devil has bought the £400m loan book of bankrupt payday lender Wonga to take possession of all 200,000 souls inside.

Satan explained that keeping track of whether people had been good or bad was extremely complicated, so he and God had agreed to do it based on credit scores instead.

The Horned One said: “As Psalms 37 says, the wicked borrow and do not repay. That’s good enough for me, even if they just desperately needed the cash for a fridge.

“My legion of demonic bailiffs, who are being filmed for a Channel 5 thing, will appear at your front door in a puff of brimstone demanding worldly goods or immortal souls.

“I’m expecting at least 38,000 new residents of Hell in the next quarter, and once we sort the paperwork so they can sign over the souls of guarantors that should go up exponentially.”

Business secretary Greg Clark said: “Is it wrong to condemn people to eternal suffering for taking out a payday loan? It’s a grey area. After all, these are extremely risky borrowers.”

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Man will never be as happy as when he had a Black Widow catapult

A MIDDLE-AGED dad has realised he will never recreate the joy of owning a dangerous catapult.

Office manager Tom Logan had a Black Widow catapult from age nine to 14 and has never felt so alive since.

Logan said: “I felt manly, dangerous, red-blooded, like a sort of suburban Rambo but with a strict curfew of 9pm.

“Now I have a Vauxhall Vectra, a home and a family but to be honest none of it’s a patch on the Black Widow.

“Never again will I experience the pure, unbridled joy of firing a small stone at high speed into a can of Fanta. Or the time I almost hit a squirrel, although it’s probably just as well I didn’t.

“Even when the midwife handed me my first child I was imagining I could probably fire a ball bearing through the cars in the hospital car park if I dared.”

Wife Debbie said: “This all started when Tom became a stay-at-home dad.

“I hope he’s not seriously thinking of buying one of those air pistols he’s been looking at on the internet.”