Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these: 

Tesla

Tesla fans – the majority of whom don’t own Teslas – live in a constant ego-trip, believing that aspiring to their vehicles makes them Elon Musk. Not understanding that he, like them, is a tool, making his theoretically worthy brand a byword for incel dicks that he didn’t even found.

Superdry

When was the last time you saw someone in a Superdry hoodie who wasn’t a total wanker? Never, that’s when. The loudest prick in the beer garden is always wearing one, not realising the Japanese characters spell out ‘f**king mug’.

Rolex

No-one needs a watch these days because we’ve got phones, so they’re exclusively status symbols. Owning a Rolex that costs more than a car reflects a lack of taste and warped priorities. You’re wearing five grand on your wrist. Don’t be shocked when you get mugged.

Zara

Kate Middleton wears Zara and so does your friend who, like Kate Middleton, thinks she’s better than you. You’ve chosen a brand that says ‘I’m something of a sneering arsehole myself’.

Anything called something like ‘Guild of Scoundrel Gentlemen’

Flat-cap wearing arseholes love to pretend they live in a cheeky version of Edwardian England where everything from their beer to their shaving cream stresses what a testosterone-jacked man they are. You’re not Tommy Shelby mate, you’re an estate agent.

Farrow & Ball

Not so much a paint, more a way of announcing your superiority to others by way of shades like Wimbourne White and Nancy’s Blushes. Now so nakedly aspirational it’s getting slapped up in new builds so the posh have abandoned it. Nobody will know it’s Farrow & Ball. You’ll have to tell them it’s Farrow & Ball. So what’s the point?

Under Armour

The preferred sportwear brand of those who regard themselves as a bit handy and who others stay the f**k away from, Under Armour is worn over tattoos quoting action films and pairs beautifully with convictions for ABH.

Grunge and other musical micro-genres best forgotten

SOME categories of music change your life. Then there are these micro-genres which are not worth bothering your ears with.

Grunge

Grunge was an inherently sham genre used to describe Nirvana and other, lesser bands which sounded a bit like Nirvana. Musicians who openly embraced flannel shirts and the media hype missed the point and produced universally shit music, which is why nobody remembers them. And any genre inspired by a band called Mother Love Bone deserves to be erased by time anyway.

Jungle

Music aficionados will tell you that jungle music is an EDM subgenre spawned out of the UK rave scene in the 90s, which is a description that gets worse with every passing word. What they won’t be able to tell you though is a single artist or track name related to this genre. Was Goldie jungle? F**k knows.

Sea shanties

This excruciating folk-adjacent caterwauling made a brief, unfortunate resurgence during 2020, which only added insult to injury during the pandemic. As if the virus wasn’t bad enough, listening to men whose entire personality was based around having a beard sing about the sea was one of our few diversions. Let’s make a nationwide deal to forget about sea shanties if we have another lockdown.

New Age music

Not so much music as the audible manifestation of mediocrity. New Age music used to be confined to yoga studios and massage spas, but more persistent strains have since spread to dentists’ waiting rooms and offices. In comparison, the muzak you listen to while waiting on hold to make a GP appointment sounds incredible.

Whatever the f**k Björk is

Is it electronica? Is it opera? Pop, maybe? Nobody really knows, but whatever it is, it isn’t worth remembering. The only reason anyone has put up with Björk for this long is that she wears weird shit and lured us in with vaguely accessible songs in the Nineties. That was nearly 30 years ago though. Let’s move on.