Shoppers praise 10p bags for stopping them going to Tesco

SHOPPERS have welcomed more expensive Tesco carrier bags because they have finally stopped them visiting the shite supermarket.

Britons say the new 10p bags have provided them with the incentive to go elsewhere and buy things that are nicer in places that are less full of despair.

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “Since Tesco put bags up to 10p I’ve completely stopped going there and buying crap like ‘mini-pasties’.

“Yesterday I went to a butcher and got some good quality sausages. His shop even had windows and the other customers didn’t look like they wanted to bite my ears off.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I used to buy a Tesco sandwich every day but I’ve started walking a bit further to M&S. So thanks to Tesco my diet’s improved and I’ve even lost some weight!

“Maybe Greggs could do 10p bags too because I’d really like to stop eating their grim products.”

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Man given medal for not fancying thin women

A MAN has received a special medal for not being especially attracted to thin women.

After bravely admitting that he prefers ‘normal sized girls’ to very slim fashion models, Wayne Hayes received a Hero of Humanity medal at Buckingham Palace.

Actual-woman fancier Wayne said: “I’m not interested in those skinny girls you see on catwalks because I am refined and yet open-minded.

“I don’t discriminate among the types of women I would allow to have sex with me. They are all welcome.

He added: “It was great to meet the Queen. As part of my progressive approach, I am actually open to sex with older women too.

“Anyway I gave her my number. I think she likes heroes.”