Shops under threat as animals start selling things

HIGH street shops face a new threat as animals have begun selling an array of consumer goods.

Members of the public have been approached by wildlife offering excellent deals on everything from electrical equipment to cookery books.

31-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I just bought a Region 2 DVD of the film Drive off a pigeon.

“Via a system of coos and deliberate wing movements we were able to negotiate a price of 22% below the Amazon price.

“It’s not a bootleg and I would definitely buy from pigeons again.”

Retail expert Norman Steele said: “Animals have lower overheads than either traditional retail or online businesses, as they store their goods rent-free in trees and burrows.

“However some distributors are reluctant to offer credit terms to wild creatures, especially toads which tend to get run over.”

However father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I bought a toaster off a fox and it doesn’t fucking work.

“What am I supposed to do now, take it back to the nearest hedge?”





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That's a ridiculous amount of chips, says Britain

PEOPLE who work in chip shops are to be taught the difference between ‘small’ and ‘shitloads of’.

As it emerged that around half our food is wasted, research showed that this is 98 percent chips.

Chip shop customers ordering a small portion of chips are typically given so many that if they ate them all they would die in the night.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Chip shop owners operate a weird inversion of normal business practice in which the vendor gives the customer more of something than they could possibly ever want.

“Even if you say categorically ‘that’s enough chips’, or ‘please don’t give me any more chips, I don’t have three stomach like a cow’ they will continue heaping chips into a plastic tray.

“It’s weird. I suppose they just really love chips.”

Professor Brubaker has been working with chip shop staff, trying to get them to differentiate between a moderate and gargantuan amount of chips.

He said: “So far, none of them gets it. They seem to have a kind of ‘chip blindness’.”

Chip shop owner Roy Hobbs said: “Chips are good, therefore more chips are better. Anyone who tells you different is an idiot.”