Six inspiring female entrepreneurs to make you feel shit about yourself

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers:

The tenacious blonde

A wonderwoman next to whom you’re a dithering twat because, unlike you, she never gives up or compromises. Or sleeps. You too could have her life, if only you had the commitment to give up your entire life and never set foot outside the office ever again, loser.

The attractive brunette

This powerhouse’s multi-million business doesn’t have anything to do with sport – it’s some web payment bollocks – but she’s hopelessly toned to boot. When will you be able to show off your midriff in your LinkedIn profile picture? And when will you earn £20K?

The red-headed supermum

No podcasts for this mama and no nap time – this entrepreneurial winner pushed through all the obstacles and took her artisanal waffle business to the top with a baby on each tit and zero hours sleep. You’ve just had a repayment gas meter installed.

The short-haired one who beat the odds

Rose from absolutely shit-all to become top of a top, top company. You, with your stable parents and redbrick university and white privilege have only managed a middle management job at your old school, the one you swore you’d never set foot in again.

The feisty blue-haired one

Know how you always take no for an answer? No to a pay rise, no to your own office, no to a delineated space in the communal fridge. Well, if only you’d had the balls of this woman and dared to be feisty in spirit and hair, maybe you’d be driving a Bentley.

The slightly older one who had a dream

Telling you your dreams can come because hers did, which is like a lottery-winner saying ‘I won so you can too.’ Anyway, what about the people who don’t have any dreams? What about if you really wanted to be a designer, but gave up after half an afternoon of trying? You’re proof she’s full of crap. And yet she’s the one with the private jet.

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The five types of self-improving twat you'll bump into this January

JANUARY is infested with insufferable f**knuts trying to improve their lives. These are the worst: 

Dry January twat

Nothing’s more depressing than a whole year of unrelenting toil ahead, so why try to slog through January sober? And seeing as Dry January twats overdo it during Christmas as a last hurrah, there’s alcohol in their system until mid-February anyway. Expect them to fall off the wagon the first time a friend says ‘pint?’

Veganuary twat

Brace yourself for a month of veganuary twats meticulously checking the ingredients for gelatine and carmine, before deciding to live off Greggs’ vegan options because it’s easier. Come February 1st, these twats will be face-down in a bucket of chicken to dislodge the pastry clogging their arteries.

Gym twat

Exercise dickheads are annoying year-round, but January starters are the worst. They update social media after every rep, bombard you with post-workout selfies, and worst of all they make you feel inadequate by actually getting in shape. For two months.

Stop-smoking twat

You should feel happy for your mate kicking their smoking habit. Their health will improve, they’ll save money, and they won’t stink of nicotine anymore. Your goodwill will immediately evaporate when you realise they’ve taken up vaping and are billowing candyfloss-scented clouds into your face in your own f**king house.

Volunteering twat

In theory, volunteering is noble and wonderful. In reality it’s the hobby of the privileged, because after a day of soul-destroying work you’re losing an evening watching telly for no financial gain. Volunteers are saints who have more time and money than they know what to do with. The twats.